I am ready to pull up those roots and expose them. I am ready to come clean and be forgiven. Facing the fact that brokenness is a part of the human condition can be crushing. But when we arrive to this point it is probably a sign that we are ‘ready’ for God to change us. The pathway to recovery and finding new life also involves the death process. The different means we used to use to ‘cope’ were ‘defective’ – giving them up is often like suffering the death of a loved one. Take time to stop and grieve that loss. When the time of grieving is over only then can we journey on. God is looking for me to mourn over my sins and my brokenness. Then - He will not ignore my needs but will forgive, comfort and cleanse me!! I am entirely ready for God to remove all of my defects of character.
If you are struggling in life with any addiction I would highly recommend walking through the AA 12 Steps. To me it is basically a spiritual journey... It's a journey of acknowledging your NEED for GOD... giving Him your life and letting Him reveal and remove the things that hinder your life. They are action steps... each require you to do something.... this isn't just a "God is going to do it all" type of thing. It requires active participation.
I remember before treatment thinking I had everything under control. Thinking I could beat my issues. Thinking I didn't need help. BUT... then someone one reminded me what the definition of insanity was and I realized I am just doing the same thing over and over and over again thinking the outcome will be different. I had the right idea but I was missing important ingredients to succeed.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~ Albert Einstein
This journey has been hard and it's far from finished. Every day I find something new to work on. I don't think I have even gotten very deep yet so I am sure there are more and more roots to be exposed that I don't even know about. It has been a worthwhile journey!! I am so glad to be alcohol free... I still tend to slip back into my old ways and "want" to drink but I am finding that I just need to take that thought captive and think about this journey - where I was and where I am now - how sick I was and how much better I feel now. I am also finding that speaking that out... saying 'I really want a drink'... well when I say it to the right people - they help me to talk through it. BUT I have actually had people say, "let's go - I will buy"!! Don't want to tell them again!! I also find that some people don't know what to say or how to deal with it. Let me just say... it is a feeling... one I have had and acted on most of my life. It isn't a feeling that is going to just 'go away' - it's my response to a lifetime of hurts. I am told in this stage of my walk it is quite normal but I need to work at not saying and thinking it - I am taking those thoughts captive and replacing them with healthy ones.
This new year has proved to be a difficult one... I started out thinking this is going to be a great year!! Well, it started out great and that lasted for about 6 weeks and then not so great!! Today is a good day... even though I am walking through personal crap... feeling very much rejected by the man I thought was 'the one'. The man who seemed 'perfect' (that should have been my first clue). A rejection that truly made me want to get into a drunken stupor... I did drink one evening out of despair... about 1/4 of a bottle of silver tequila... but I dumped the remaining booze down the drain!!! It hurt (that stuff is expensive) and felt good (I can now say NO) at the same time. I truly thought this relationship was "it". I believed God told me that he was the one I have been praying for... this man seemed to believe the same thing. What happened?? I wish I knew... he stopped communicating... I tried to get it out of him with no luck until a couple of days ago... texts revealed he thought he was ready but he was not. Communication in this case would have avoided a lot of despair and hurt feelings - I believe for both sides. I know he prays for me and I pray for him. I don't know what God is doing... but I do know that this is a man I truly love no matter what has happened. I tell you this to tell you God is still good even in the midst of hurt and pain and in things we don't understand!!
I have delved deeper into my Bible... I have started to go through the 12 steps again working on 'me'. I have read a couple of amazing books by Jimmy Evans: When Life Hurts - Finding Hope and Healing from the Pain You Carry and Freedom from Your Past. He is also an AMAZING speaker and I enjoy listening to his teachings on YouTube. His books have made me look at myself in a different way... yes, I am messed up but I don't have to stay this way!!! Praise the Lord!!! BUT again it takes ACTION on my part to change. God is not going to do it for me. It's just like I told this man I love... I am grateful he prays for us but prayers without action is worthless God is NOT going to do the work for us. I am working on 'me' and I sure hope he is working on 'him'! I don't understand having to do this independent of each other but I guess that is where we are. I don't know if anything more will develop or if it's done. I believe what God told me so I will just wait. BUT... I won't wait doing nothing and I won't wait 'dreaming up a future'. It is what it is...
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