My Recovery...

My recovery from alcohol addiction started in May of 2012.  My last drink at that time was on May 6^th. I went to Heartview for an evaluation on the 7^th.

I thank God for my dear friend, Linda, who helped me in the weeks before this to see I really did have a problem, that it was getting out of control and I needed help. Making that call to Heartview and going in for an evaluation was a horrifying experience. I was in the midst of going through withdrawals as I sat there being questioned by Heartview’s finest Addiction Counselor, Brenda. I walked in with despair and walked out with hope.

I started out patient treatments on May 14. Brenda was the evening outpatient counselor so I was very relieved to know I would have her as a counselor. My treatment lasted through the middle of July. What a ride… most of it was not too fun!! BUT… I went in not wanting to be there and crying my first night to not wanting to leave and crying cause I had to.

I made a lot of good friends!! Learned so much about myself and about addiction. My kids learned enough in their classes and on family nights to know that they do not want to chance being in that same place. Addiction can be genetic and they had it from both sides. They are aware of the risks and at this point in their lives they have no desire to drink. So for that I am truly thankful.

I made a life altering decision while in treatment to move to Missouri. Anyone who knows anything about treatment knows you don’t make any big decisions during your first year of sobriety but I thought it was what God wanted me to do. I also chose to not go through Aftercare… something I regret now. So against better judgment we moved. I was able to keep my job in ND and work remotely. I started drinking again shortly after moving. On a couple of different work trips back to ND I drank. The drinking… the feeling of failure… the unhappiness… it all meshed together and cause me to spiral down. After 3 months of living in Missouri and being unhappy I decide it was time to go back home. We moved back the beginning of November and I started treatment again at Heartview on Nov. 12. I also went to an Aftercare program at Heartview. I finished aftercare in January 2013. I wish I could say I have been alcohol free since then but I can’t. I have had a couple of slips both of which I worked through… I am happy to say I am at 16 months clean in my sobriety. I do not regret the move either direction. I do not know the purpose in its entirety but I do know one day it will all be clear.

Down the road I will share more of my drinking history. For now I will just say I started drinking at age 15 and I would drink whenever I could get it. I was not a ‘big’ drinker until I turned 21… after that, well let’s just say I didn’t go many nights without a few drinks!! I drank throughout my marriage of 6 yrs. And then well after my divorce. There was a period of time that I tried to quit drinking but that didn’t last very long. So after 30+ yrs of drinking it is really hard to change ones way of thinking. My friend ‘Jose’ kept me company many nights. Loved Tequila – gold, black, silver… it didn’t matter.  Vodka was my second choice… drinking was my way of coping – my escape… but more of this info to come as I delve into my interpretations of the 12 steps.

One thing I will share now… While in treatment the second time my counselor, Brenda, made me write a good-bye letter to my addiction.  What a painful process!! It took me about a week to write it but here it is:

Dear Addiction,

I have really been struggling with saying good-bye to you for the past 6 months. But I realized that you won’t ever leave me so saying good-bye to you is probably a waste of time. You are a disease and there is no cure for you… you will always be a part of me.  I have been told you go into remission but even there you will still be somewhere in me waiting to rise up again. I have learned that feeding you is the real issue and feeding you is something I can stop.

You thrive on alcohol so my decision is to say good-bye to alcohol. This will not be easy… I really love alcohol… wine, beer, vodka, tequila – you are my favorites and it’s not going to be easy to say good-bye to you forever but I know it’s time to live my life without you. This is going to be hard because you have been such a huge part of my life for 30 years. I have depended on you to make me happy. I have counted on you to bring me comfort when nothing else seemed to do. For so long I have thought that you were the only answer to bring me freedom from pain and sadness.

But you have lied to me by telling me you would bring me comfort and courage. I have never really found comfort with you and you are slowly destroying me. You have wasted so much of my time and my love for you have taken me to places I should never have gone and places I never want to go again. You have clouded my mind and made me lose sight of the things that are most important to me…

God has been pushed into the background of my life… He is always there waiting for me when I need Him but He is not counted on very often… the ONE that brings me comfort and happiness… the ONE I need the most in my life has been put aside for another time but now I know it’s time to put HIM first and to allow HIM total control of my life.

My children have suffered because of the person I become when I’m with you. I have taught them that you are the answer to so many issues in life and that you are the easy way out. BUT now I need to show them that you bring NO answers – you only bring more issues… more misery… sickness and devastation, and in the end the issues and feelings are still there but when you leave there is also added guilt, shame and self-loathing to deal with. I don’t like who I become with you and I pray that my kids’ life will be spared of knowing you the way I have known you.

I have caused family and friends to worry about me because of the power I have given you over my life.  Sadness and the feelings of not being good enough has caused me to think life would be better for everyone I love it I was not here. The past couple of months I have welcomed death as a way to be free from the devastation you bring.

I pray that once you are gone from my life that my relationship with all of these people will be restored and be better than before.

I realize addiction is hungry for anything and will change its taste for other things that can become even more devastating so I know I have to be aware of those things taking the place of you. I am also aware that there will be places and people in my life that I may have to let go of too.  The hardest of all might be saying good-bye to people who are still not will or able to encourage my decision to let you go and not find ways to bring you back into my life.

So this is the end… this is good-bye… this is my vow… ALCOHOL will no longer be allowed to be part of my life and my addiction will no longer be allowed to control me.

 I was very thankful for this assignment.  NOT at the time but after the long hard process of facing it.  Thank you, Brenda for making me do that!!!  :-) I have to say I am so very thankful for Brenda.  She has become a very close friend.  I am blessed to know her!!!