God knows me completely…

Step 4: I am making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

In step 4 I realized that there are areas of my life that need attention. I also realize that I cannot see all those areas. Denial has kept me blinded to the ‘dirt in my corners’.  Low self-esteem has kept me ignorant about the beauty and worth of my life. In this step God comes to us as a caring friend – He opens our eyes to the weaknesses in our lives that need changing and helps us build on our strengths. Without knowledge of my defects, I cannot take a definite step towards correction of my physical, mental and spiritual disability. I must make a searching and fearless inventory of myself.

The purpose of taking a moral inventory is to expose harmful character traits of our addictive personalities and to eliminate them from the new personalities and a new way of life we nor purpose to develop.

God completely knows my nature… He knows my sins, He knows my failures, He knows my weakness, He knows my heart and He knows that I can NOT see myself without His help. In partnership with God I can begin to look inward. He helps me to see my strengths.  This part of my journey promises tears and embarrassment as well as insight and encouragement. Those near to me, especially God, have seen my failures and flaws for years... it is time to see them myself.

My past is more than I can bear. I took this step in treatment but I don’t believe I gave it my full attention… I don’t think I looked at it honestly… I believe God is asking me to do it again and go deeper than what I did before. More roots will be exposed and more will be learned and dealt with.

Step 1-3 are belief work – ground work necessary for step 4.  Step 4 brings you face to face with yourself and honestly evaluate what makes you who you are.

Step 4 is an assessment of all my assets and liabilities. It is hard to look at who I have been, who I am and who I would like to become.  It is personal housecleaning.  Step 4 asks me to be ‘searching and fearless’ and it allows me to discover and accept all sides of myself.

Completing this personal inventory promises this:

• Learning honesty.
• Eliminating the power the past has over me.
• Learning humility.
• Laying ground work for further steps.

Step 4 will drudge up some strong images and strong emotions will no doubt follow.

I am willing to uncover even the things I have been hiding from myself. I do feel like a hypocrite… but I am willing and ready to deal with the dirt. Making this moral inventory is a good way to wash the inside out. It is only in uncovering the hidden parts of myself that I can eventually change my outer person.

I do falter at the thought of making an honest and moral inventory of myself. There is an enormous amount of sadness waiting as one honestly looks at their heart – I fear the pain that this will bring. I will need the help of the Lord to get through it.  God will bring me out of bondage and will care for me as I deal with the sadness and pain and a find a new way of life.

In listing moral inventories I should also find myself listing destructive habits/behaviors… my defects of character – consequences of wrong choices – hurts I caused others – sifting through garbage of the past – I am ready and willing to take personal responsibility of my choices and actions.

It’s ok to express my anger and regret over things that have been done to me. Self-inflicted as well as what others have done. I have a right to hold others accountable and grieve over the negative affects others actions have had on my life. Seeing shortcomings may be difficult if I’m still blaming others for them. This step is a season of self-examination I must guard against blaming and examining others I am taking responsibility for my life.

I try to ignore (or stuff) sorrow… often want to avoid it at all cost. This is why I turned to alcohol – to numb and dull the pain and to forget for a time. Accepting this fact helps in the inventory process. Honest self-examination will lead to a healthy recovery.

Knowing my sins are covered by the blood of Jesus should help to examine my life fearlessly and honestly.