My grace is sufficient for you...

Step 8: Made a list of all persons I had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

God sees irresponsible behavior as action that can be corrected. He doesn’t see us as hopelessly bad… regardless of what we have been through, we are still held responsible to the things we have done wrong. As we have allowed to let our lives get out of control we have hurt others and probably not even realized it. In fact, most of the pain we caused has probably been unintentional but we are still responsible for the way our behavior has affected others. This is true even if we didn't realize we were hurting them. These unintentional sins need to be acknowledge and corrected as soon as we discover them. God forgives all our sins. In the recovery process, however, the unintentional sins need to be accounted for along with the more obvious ones.

Loneliness and isolation go along with the guilt and shame I feel about who I am and what I have done. Sometimes I feel so cut off from others that I feel lonely even when I am around other people. Guilt, fear of being hurt, and self-hatred make me unable to believe in the love others have for me.  I often feel all alone in my struggles… even when there are people beside me who want to help. Being willing to accept their love is part of the preparation for amends.  Loneliness can break me and defeat me in the recovery process. As I prepare to make amends, I also need to prepare my heart to accept whatever love, support, or friendship is offered in return.

In step 8 listing all the people I have wronged will probably trigger a natural defensiveness. With each name listed another mental list begins to form – a list of wrongs that have been done to me.  Dealing with resentment held towards others will help to move forward. When I look at all the things God has forgiven me for it is easier to choose to forgive others. This also frees me of festering resentment. I can’t change what other have done to me but I can write off their debts.

Some people will respond with forgiveness, comfort, acceptance, and love. This will help me overcome my grief, the bitterness, and the discouragement I feel. Their forgiveness will help me move on to recovery.

Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. Galatians 6-7

 

God says we will always reap what we have sown… even after we have been forgiven we must deal with the consequences of our actions. It may take time to finish harvesting the negative consequences from our past, but we can’t let this discourage us. Making a list of those we have wronged is a step towards planting good seeds. In time we will see good crops again.

  

As I re-read my Serenity journal from my treatment I am amazed by some of the notes… some that I still feel are true for me and some that prove that I know I have actually moved forward in my recovery.

My relapse happened in a three month span – Aug, Sept, Oct and the first part of Nov. of 2012. I started my second treatment on Nov. 15 at Heartview.

Relapse – to fall back into the former state of drinking once treatment or recovery has begun. The act of returning to old behavior. Relapse is a common occurrence in many chronic disorders that require behavioral adjustments to treat effectively.

Recovery – a lifelong process of change to abstain from addiction (alcohol)… a character building process that increases the chance of staying clean and sober.

On December 9^th I wrote in my journal: I am hopeless when it comes to alcohol and its power over me. Over and over again, though I have tried to control it, I’ve found my mind is warped by the obsessive compulsion to drink. Left to my own devices I am helplessly headed towards personal destruction. I cannot manage my life this way any longer.  I cannot recover without making up my mind. I must admit total loss of control. The idea that I will ever have it again has to be smashed.

Alcoholism is a disease – a compulsion of the body and an obsession of the mind that makes willpower so week it’s likely no individual’s human fortitude can restore it, relieving that loss of choice.

If I take that first drink I know immediately that the cycle will be renewed and set in motion. My diseases remission is maintained in my continued repetition of Step 1. I am one drink away from powerlessness and unmanageability.

As I admitted myself powerless and helpless when confronted by my obsessive compulsion with alcohol – I knew there must be a solution – some power greater than myself and booze – nothing but the strength of God can remove my compulsive obsession to drink. My failed attempts of stopping show that self-reliance is not an answer but that God is the answer to beating this thing and accomplishing sobriety.

My relationships may not be sufficient… my circumstances may not be sufficient… my finances may not be sufficient… my will power may not be sufficient… my confidence may not be sufficient… but He is and He has been and forever will be.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

The more I rely on God the more independent I will become as I seek to have God direct me in carrying out His will in my life my burdens of self-determination and self-sufficiency are lifted. Recovery means making many changes and some are more difficult than others.

‘A change of habit leads to a change in life’ ~ Jenny Craig