Step 3: I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the
care of God.
Most of my adult life I have mistakenly believed that I can
prevent pain if I just keep holding on. Keep holding on to that bottle of booze
and the lies that were coming from the pit of hell.
I have free will – the ability to choose – even when in
bondage of my addiction I have choices confronting me. I choose to set my heart
in the direction of life. I choose to follow His program for my recovery from
addiction. He will show me what to fix and I will obey.
Through treatment I learned I can only be responsible for
me… for my actions and my attitudes. Everything else is beyond my control. I
cannot grow in recovery if I keep trying to change things that are beyond my
power to change. When I surrendered I let go of my need to control. When I hold
on to my determination that things should go my way I will always be in
conflict with something. The moment of surrender is when I allow for the possibility
that I can act differently even though I don’t know what I am supposed to do.
I am still learning that there is an awful lot I can’t do… I
can’t control life… I can’t make people be what I want them to be… I can’t stop
the pain inside of me… I can’t even fully submit to God’s plan yet – I am still
too scared. But I know what I can do… I can make the decision to let God have
control and in turn I know His way and His will are best for my life. I can no
longer rely on myself to be my best judge and it is necessary to abandon my old
ideas of exactly what will get me and keep me sober… I have already tried them
and failed. I have to let this Power greater than myself guide my
recovery.
I remember a warning I read my first time through treatment…
I don’t know what book it came from but I did write it down:
"Be careful when you reach step 3…
you start to feel better physically than you have in years… you may even feel
like you are your old self again and your addiction may drop hints that you
really don’t have a problem and you will think you have gained control.
Be careful this is dangerous thinking and you may end up using again.
When confidence sets in it is time to remember why you came to recovery in the
first place.”
This was true for me… I remember thinking what in the world
am I doing in treatment? I never had any legal issues. Unlike most of the
people in treatment I had started treatment on my own. I had no court ordering
me to be there. Even other people in my life were questioning why I was in
treatment. Anyone that knew me knew I drank and knew I enjoyed it very
much. But so many said they didn't know I had a problem with
it. I heard things like: Is it really that bad? Do you really think
it’s a problem? Don’t you think you just drink because you are lonely?
I was starting to believe I was overreacting… but then I
wondered how bad does it have to be. Do I wait until I have legal issues, or
until my health deteriorates so badly I have to stop drinking? Do I wait until
it affects my ability to go to work and function in life? Do I wait until my
kids hate me and people start to walk away from me?
Yes, it was a choice I made to enter treatment… I made it
because I was feeling sick, out of control and suicidal. I believe I was
very skilled at hiding my drinking! There were many times I would go someplace
after drinking and I can guarantee most people had NO IDEA I was drinking. I am
ashamed to admit that I drove with my kids in the car while under the
influence. I am ashamed to admit there were many times I went to church after
downing a few drinks. I could be pretty lite and most people never knew!
I could consume a lot of alcohol – many different types of booze and I am
pretty sure I had pretty much everyone fooled. Then I think maybe not? Maybe
there were some that knew... maybe I wasn't as clever as the booze told me
I was?
Yes… these were reason enough to be in treatment and they
were reason enough to stay!! I am so glad I stuck with it. In treatment we
completed a usage history. I am pretty sure it would amaze people to read that
part of my treatment. Maybe someday I will be brave enough to type it out
and share it. But for now that is between me, God, my kids and my treatment
group.
In turning my life over to God I give Him my entire self.
Losses, shame, moments of disgrace, fear, loneliness, dreams that died, dashed
hopes, broken relationships, broken promises, failures and all the scars that
have left me bitter. God is my redeemer… my restorer… He is filling
the empty places in my heart. He can and He will restore. He is also
trustworthy to give me the desires of my heart.
When my addiction began I was seeking pleasure and a way of
escaping pain. As I submit to His will and direction my burdens become
manageable. I find rest for my soul when I give Him control. I will take the
steps needed to change my focus and turn my life over to God instead of
reverting to hiding places of my past. When I am overwhelmed and in need of an
escape I have a place to turn – God. Do I always do that? No, I seem to forget
what He can do and how He can help me.
I will let God define the overall direction of my life. I
will try to openly reveal all the things I think I keep hidden from Him. As I
open the hidden portion of my heart and soul I can make good decisions and choices
that will help me to grow in my recovery and to grow into confidence to be the
woman God wants me to be.
I am thankful for my kids... they are my greatest support
system. Many times they have helped me to abstain from alcohol. I have amazing
friends and family who support my recovery. I know people pray for me and for
that I am most grateful!! If you are reading this and you are one that keeps me
in prayer please know I am blessed by your prayers!!
“O God, listen to my cry! Hear my
prayer! From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart
is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for you are my safe
refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me. Let me live forever in
your sanctuary, safe beneath the shelter of your wings!” Psalm 61:1-4
The God who created, names, and numbers
the stars in heaven also numbers the hairs of my head… He pays attention to
very big things and to very small ones. What matters to me matters to Him and
that changes my life. ~ Elisabeth Elliot
Your
best stories will come from your struggles. The seeds of your success are in
your failures. Your praises will be birthed from your pain. Keep standing… I
have never seen a storm last forever… seasons change. ~Unknown
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