I am powerless...

Step 1:  I admit that I am powerless over my dependencies - that my life has become unmanageable...

For me this step now deals with way more than just alcohol. It is also about doubt, worry, self-hate, fear, loss and inadequacies just to name a few... believe me the list goes on!  I am sure more will be uncovered as this journey continues.

I have come to realize over this past year that running away and avoidance has always been a tendency for me. I know it’s finally time to face these things that God is showing me. It is time to start expressing pain instead of looking for comfort in a bottle of booze or in a human that cannot even begin to understand my needs. So don’t be surprised if you start seeing a more vocal me emerge.  I am tired of holding back and not expressing my feelings. I am tired of being hurt and not confronting the person responsible for the hurt.

As I acknowledge my powerlessness over addictive behaviors I am made more aware of my behaviors that lead to destruction. The thought of being powerless is scary.  Admitting powerlessness does not make me a victim – it gives me the ability to make an honest appraisal of my life and a positive step towards recovery. 

My addiction or "disease" is life threatening. It slowly causes destruction and there is no easy or instant cure. The only answer is to admit powerlessness, humble myself and submit to the process that will eventually bring healing and recovery.

There are times I am so confused and overwhelmed by pain in my life - no matter what I say or do I can't change things for the better. It seems like I keep traveling around the same mountain year after year after year. Sometimes the weight of the pain and sadness feel too heavy to bear. I can't see why my heart doesn't just break and allow death to free me. BUT I know that even when pressed to the point of death there is still hope that my life can change. Life can be good again.

There are important moments in our life that change our destiny. Times when we are confronted with how powerless we really are. I have found that these moments can destroy me or change my direction for something better. When I am willing to 'see' and 'fix' these things I can experience recovery and a new way of life - a life to find true power. I do not have to pretend to be strong or perfect. I can live ‘real’ with my daily struggles and find the power from God to keep going without being crushed and broken.

I am an alcoholic… I am powerless against alcohol. I have found that I cannot drink any amount of alcohol. Thank God I can admit this now because it gives me hope. I know what I need to do!!! I know this is a dependency I will always have to guard against but there is hope with Jesus!! He is going to show me how to overcome.

Here are a couple of songs that have really minister to me lately. Hope you enjoy!!