9 Things to Stop Doing During Hard Times

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

Regardless of what you’re struggling with – a major tragedy or a minor personal battle – it’s time to STOP…

1.  Hiding from the truth.

Most people, at the first sign of distress, would rather deny the hard truth than face it.  But the truth does not cease to exist when it is ignored.  When you try to ignore it, you will find yourself living a lie every day as the truth haunts your thoughts every night.  Don’t do this to yourself.  Face the facts.  You simply can’t get away from your truth by moving dishonestly from one place to the next.

The truth will set you free, but first it may tick you off for a while, and that’s OK.  It’s always better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie.  Because the truth hurts only once and then gradually fades, but a lie hurts just as bad every single time you remember you’re living it.

2.  Gripping tight to the fantasy of a pain-free life.

Pain is a part of life, and life’s pains have many shapes and sizes.

There’s the cold feet pain of moving on ‒ graduating, taking the next step, walking away from the familiar and into the unknown.  There’s the sharp growing pains of trial and error, of failing as you learn the best way forward.  There’s the immense, dizzying pain of life slapping you in the face when everything you thought you knew wasn't true, or everything you had planned for falls through.

There are the more ambiguous aches and pains of success, when you actually get what you had hoped for, but then realize that it’s not quite what you had envisioned.  And then, from time to time, there are the warm, tingling pains you feel when you realize that you are standing in a moment of sweet perfection, a priceless instant of achievement or happiness which you know cannot possibly last, and yet will remain with you forever.

Even though so many folks forget, pain is actually a good thing.  It means you’re breathing, and trying, and interacting with the endless possibilities in this world.  Pain is for the living only; it’s worth fully accepting and dealing with while you still have a chance.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

3.  Revisiting the past over and over in your mind.

Sadly, people all over the world are continuously telling their one dramatic story and how their entire life has turned into getting over this one event from the past.  Now, every day of their lives are more about something that no longer exists, rather than the real life experiences waiting for them in the present.

We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.  You become a prisoner when you cling to what no longer exists.  If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.  It may be hard, but you have to let go.  Cling no more!  Realize that the past is like a foreign country – they do things differently there.  And “they” have nothing to do with YOU RIGHT NOW.

4.  Holding on to who you were before the storm.

Hard times are like strong storms that blow against you.  And it’s not just that these storms hold you back from places you might otherwise go.  They also tear away from you all but the essential parts of your ego that cannot be torn, so that afterward you see yourself as you really are, and not merely as you might like to be.

Ultimately, you realize you are here to endure these storms, to sacrifice your time and risk your heart.  You are here to be bruised by life.  And when it happens that you are hurt, or betrayed, or rejected, let yourself sit quietly with your eyes closed and remember all the good times you had, and all the sweetness you tasted, and everything you learned.  Tell yourself how amazing it was to live, and then open your eyes and live some more.

Because to never struggle would be to never grow.  You must let go of who you were so you can become who you are.  It is within the depths of the strongest and darkest storms that you discover within you an inextinguishable light, and it is this light that illuminates the right path forward.  (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

5.  “Worrying” or “thinking” a situation into something worse than it is.

What worries you masters you.  Needless worry and negative thinking will never lead to positive change.  However, a positive attitude and a little action can change everything.  So if you don’t like something, change it.  If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.  Being hurt is something you can’t stop from happening, but being miserable is always your choice.

No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.  Negative thinking creates negative results.  Positive thinking creates positive results.  Period.  The only limits to the possibilities in your life tomorrow are the “buts” you use today.  Things always turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.

6.  Acting like it’s not OK to smile.

Sometimes a little silliness is all you need to get a better perspective of life’s greatest challenges.  Silliness is the carefree, sometimes crazy, and often misunderstood stepsister of happiness.  May you be a friend to both, and smile your way through life’s twists and turns.

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.  You’ll see why.

7.  Giving in and giving up as soon as the going gets tough.

All things are difficult before they are easy, and the roughest roads often lead to the top.  There are simply no easy roads to anywhere worth going.  Which is why you must endure the discomfort.  Do what is right for your future, not what is easy right now.

You’ll learn, as you grow older, that many of life’s supposed rules are made to be broken.  Even when times are tough, be bold enough to live on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it.  Go against the grain, refuse to conform when it doesn't feel right, take the road less traveled instead of the well-worn path. Laugh in the face of adversity as best as you can, and leap before you look fear too deeply in the eyes.  Dance as though everyone is watching, without giving a care in the world to what they think of you.  March to the beat of your own drummer.  And stubbornly refuse to give up and give in.

8.  Wanting to have all the answers.

Accept the feeling of not knowing exactly where you are going, and train yourself to love and appreciate this sensation of freedom.  Because it is only when you are suspended in the air, with no destination in sight, that you force your wings to open fully so you can fly.  And as you soar around you still may not know where you’re traveling to.  But that’s not what’s important.

What’s important is the opening of your wings.  You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as your wings are spread, the winds will carry you forward.  (Read A New Earth.)

9.  Obsessing yourself with negative news.

For every prominent newscaster who howls about how bleak and unjust life is, there are thousands of other people behind the scenes working tirelessly to make a positive difference in the world.  For every disheartening crisis that is breathlessly reported, there are thousands of real, meaningful success stories that don’t get the attention they deserve, but that have an enormous positive ripple effect on humanity.

Try not to obsess yourself with negative news, especially when you’re in the midst of hard times.  When you’re faced with negative news, learn from it and use this knowledge to work your way eagerly toward a brighter tomorrow.  Today is a choice.  Today, choose grace over impatience, laughter over worry, and beauty over negativity.  Life does get better and better when you choose to make it so.

The floor is yours…

What would you add to the list?  What do you try NOT to do when times are hard and stressful?  Please leave a comment below and let us know:

I added this blog post because I liked the information shared in it... it made me stop and think about everything that is going on in my life and how I handle things.  Here is my take on the above steps listed.

#1: I used to be very good at hiding from truth/pain... this is what started me on the destructive road to alcohol addiction.

#2: Since going through treatment I try to face things head on... I know now that I will never have a pain free life no matter how badly I want it. BUT I am blessed to know that God is there for me no matter what I am going through.

#3... this is my toughest one.. revisiting past failures and hurts... trying to figure out what happened and how I could have avoided the outcomes I have had (like I can change the outcome).

#4: Holding on to who I was before the big storm is not something I struggle with too much anymore. I did... I wanted to be able to keep drinking but I wanted to be able to do it like a 'normal' person.

#5: Yes another tough one...  I am a "worrying thinker"... I tend to worry and think things so much that before I know it its blown way out of proportion. In my mind I make things so much worse than they actually are. I know this... I am working on being better about this and not worrying or thinking too much. I am learning to do some meditation or Bible reading when I get to this point.

#6: I hate to cry but it seems like lately that is all I do... I spent about 9 years of my life (while married) doing nothing but crying. Then when I was on my own after my divorce I 'toughened up'... didn't let myself break down emotionally. Probably one reason I ended up having the problems I did. I am learning to believe that crying can be 'good' and that it really does have healing properties involved in it.

#7:  I have not always been one to just give up... if I want something bad enough I fight for it... sometimes I think that is my downfall... especially in the area of this man I love... he obviously doesn't want me and I try and try and try to reach out to him and get him to change his mind... why???  What on earth is wrong with me?  He doesn't want me so why do I push the issue. Just because I thought I heard God tell me that 'he is the one'... I either heard wrong or the timing is wrong... or God is working something out... still... here I sit almost 4 months after being 'dumped' still holding on.

#8: Yes, I want to have all the answers... and I want them NOW... I am very obsessed with needing to KNOW... hence the struggle with most of the above issues.

#9: Obsessing with negative news... obsessing with any news... I like this last sentence in this paragraph and I plan to apply it to my life... Today, choose grace over impatience, laughter over worry, and beauty over negativity.  Life does get better and better when you choose to make it so.

Make it so!!!  

Just a thought...

Difficult situations, when life just isn't fair...

We all face difficult situations that involve the people we love. In some of these situations the wise course of action may be clear. We may feel a heavy burden to act but have no idea what to do. Sometimes, when I am not sure what to do in certain situations, I talk things over with God, reasoning it out, trying to do whatever I can. Then I try to do as much as I feel confident doing.

There are times when life just treats us unfairly. We may protest the injustice, fall victim to self-pity, give in to a 'poor me' kind of attitude, or sink into depression. During these times when life is unfair, what we really need is serenity. It takes serenity, courage and wisdom to maintain a healthy attitude when life isn't fair. We can't change the fact that our world is imperfect and things are far from the way they should be, but we can choose our attitudes. We need serenity from God to help us change our responses to the injustices of life. We need courage to face the optimism the days when we are treated unfairly. We need wisdom to know whether to fight injustice or to make the best of a bad situation.

I guess this is where self-perception comes in. How we view things that happen in our life. If we have lived in bondage to our compulsive behaviors for a while, we probably see more bad than good inside us. Many of us tend to see life in terms of 'all or nothing'. As a result, we probably think we are all bad. But in recovery we need a balanced view of our self. This will help us to better understand our shortcomings while also giving us greater hope in our potential.  We need to remember the Serenity Prayer.

Our story can be the difference between life and death…

Step 12: Having had a Spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I will try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all my affairs.

I went into recovery because I had had enough. Enough pain, lies, and destruction that resulted from my addictive behavior.  One day at a time I learned the principals on the road to recovery. Now I am at a place I wasn't even sure I could ever reach. Now I am encouraged to share the message with others.

A life set free from all addictions by the Lord is a beautiful sight to behold. I know, as I have witnessed other addicts practicing the 12 step principles and sharing their experiences, I have seen the glory of God in their lives and it has given me hope.

I know from experience the depths of suffering, affliction, and brokenness. I know the pain of being enslaved to my passions and blinded by my denial. I have endured my seasons of grieving. I can relate to those who struggle to be free. I also know that there is more to life than bondage. In Christ are healing and freedom, clarity and mercy, beauty and joy.

The Spirit of the Lord God is on me, because the Lord has chosen me to bring good news to poor people. He has sent me to heal those with a sad heart. He has sent me to tell those who are being held and those in prison that they can go free. He has sent me to tell about the year of the Lord’s favor, and the day our God will bring punishment. He has sent me to comfort all who are filled with sorrow. To those who have sorrow in Zion I will give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes. I will give them the oil of joy instead of sorrow, and a spirit of praise instead of a spirit of no hope. Then they will be called oaks that are right with God, planted by the Lord, that He may be honored.  
Isaiah 61:1-3

This mission has been passed on to me. I am in a unique position to share my experiences, my strengths, and my hope in a way that broken people can understand and receive it.

Each one of us has a valuable story to tell. We may be shy and feel awkward about speaking. We may think that what we have to share is too trivial. Is it actually going to help anyone else? We may struggle to get beyond the shame of our past experiences. But our recovery story can help others. Are we willing to allow God to use us to help free others?

And then he told them, “Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone." 
Mark 16:15

With each personal journey from bondage is a miniature copy of the gospel. When people hear our story, even if it seems trivial, we are offering them the chance to loosen their chains and begin their own journey in recovery. When touching on such a deep and sensitive issue, it is important to speak in the language of love, not condemnation.

Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. 
Galatians 6:1-2

We are not the Savior but we can love others as God loves us. Love goes beyond mere words. Sometimes it is spoken in silence, when we don’t condemn someone who comes to us looking for help. Love doesn't just tell them what the problems are. It helps carry the weight of their burdens. We can be part of a support network to help carry our friends until they are able to take steps toward recovery on their own initiative.

I know while active in my addiction I did not react kindly to others telling me I had a problem so I am well aware that I need to be sensitive to allow God to lead me to someone who is ready… If there are people out there who can be helped by my message I pray that God direct those individuals to me. I pray for doors to be opened.

As we move further along in recovery, the memory of how bad our life really was may begin to fade. Do we vividly remember what we once were? Can we humbly recall the dark emotions that filled our soul? Do we have compassion and genuine sympathy/empathy for those whom we try to carry the message?  We must never forget where we came from and how we got where we are.

Once we, too, were foolish and disobedient. We were misled and became slaves to many lusts and pleasures. Our lives were full of evil and envy, and we hated each other. But—“When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. 
Titus 3:3-5

As the above scripture says… I too was once a slave, just as others are today. My heart was so filled with confusion and painful emotions that others are still feeling. I was saved because of the love and kindness of God and other human beings. I need to remember that I can stay free because God is holding me, upholding me every step of the way. Every addict is a precious lost soul whom God loves and wants to rescue. 

He answered me, “I am all you need. I give you My loving-favor. My power works best in weak people.”

I was reading tonight and decided to share this scripture. As I read this I started thinking... I want to come to a place in my life where God is ENOUGH... I am trying to find that balance where I live my life to the best of my ability and just be at peace where God has me. Hopefully pleasing Him along the way. I want Him to be ENOUGH and I want to stop seeking more out of this earthly life...  I want to be able to say these following words and mean them with my whole heart!!  I am happy to be weak and have troubles so I can have Christ’s power in me. I receive joy when I am weak. I receive joy when people talk against me and make it hard for me and try to hurt me and make trouble for me. I receive joy when all these things come to me because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 13 New Life Version (NLV)

Paul Sees Something True in a Special Dream

1 I have to talk about myself, even if it does no good. But I will keep on telling about some things I saw in a special dream and that which the Lord has shown me. 2 I know a man who belongs to Christ. Fourteen years ago he was taken up to the highest heaven. (I do not know if his body was taken up or just his spirit. Only God knows.) 3 I say it again, I know this man was taken up. But I do not know if his body or just his spirit was taken up. Only God knows. 4 When he was in the highest heaven, he heard things that cannot be told with words. No man is allowed to tell them. 5 I will be proud about this man, but I will not be proud about myself except to say things which show how weak I am. 6 Even if I talk about myself, I would not be a fool because it is the truth. But I will say no more because I want no one to think better of me than he does when he sees or hears me.

7 The things God showed me were so great. But to keep me from being too full of pride because of seeing these things, I have been given trouble in my body. It was sent from Satan to hurt me. It keeps me from being proud. 8 I asked the Lord three times to take it away from me. 9 He answered me, “I am all you need. I give you My loving-favor. My power works best in weak people.” I am happy to be weak and have troubles so I can have Christ’s power in me. 10 I receive joy when I am weak. I receive joy when people talk against me and make it hard for me and try to hurt me and make trouble for me. I receive joy when all these things come to me because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

11 I have been making a fool of myself talking like this. But you made me do it. You should be telling what I have done. Even if I am nothing at all, I am not less important than those false missionaries of yours. 12 When I was with you, I proved to you that I was a true missionary. I did powerful works and there were special things to see. These things were done in the strength and power from God. 13 What makes you feel less important than the other churches? Is it because I did not let you give me food and clothing? Forgive me for this wrong!

14 This is the third time I am ready to come to you. I want nothing from you. I want you, not your money. You are my children. Children should not have to help care for their parents. Parents should help their children. 15 I am glad to give anything I have, even myself, to help you. When I love you more, it looks as if you love me less.

16 It is true that I was not a heavy load to you. But some say I set a trap for you. 17 How could I have done that? Did I get anything from you through the men I sent to you? 18 I asked Titus and the other Christian brother to visit you. Did Titus get anything from you? Did we not do things that showed we had the same desires and followed the same plan?

19 It may look to you as if we had been trying to make everything look right for ourselves all this time. God knows and so does Christ that all this is done to help you. 20 I am afraid that when I visit you I will not find you as I would like you to be. And you will not find me as you would like me to be. I am afraid I will find you fighting and jealous and angry and arguing and talking about each other and thinking of yourselves as being too important and making trouble. 21 I am afraid when I get there God will take all the pride away from me that I had for you. I will not be happy about many who have lived in sin and done sex sins and have had a desire for such things and have not been sorry for their sins and turned from them.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.  ~ Helen Keller

Patiently waiting (I am not good at this)….

Step 11: I sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for me, and the power to carry that out.

As I work through the 12 steps I spend a lot of time looking back. I think about the wrong things I have done. As I work in the recovery process I find I will need strength to move along that path God wants me to follow. Part of this strength will come as I realize that God’s constant presence is with me.

I am learning that from this point on, when I look back, I benefit from seeing the ‘wonders’ He has performed and remember His miracles in my life. I look around and I can see goodness and I look forward to the fulfillment of His promises. I thank God for what He has done. I seek Him for strength. I ask Him to fulfill His promises for me for tomorrow.

In meditation of this recovery process we need to remember our victories (no matter what size) and consider His faithfulness and the hope He gives us for tomorrow.

Secrets we hid have enormous power in our life. How many of our addictive/compulsive behaviors have been hidden or covered up? When we take this step to admit the exact nature of our wrongs we can know that addiction has lost some of its power.

In the past my addiction was my hiding place when things in my life were overwhelming. Now that I am in recovery, life at times can feel even more overwhelming. I am learning to find a new refuge to escape the storms of life and to find protection.

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. He is my refuge, my savior, the one who saves me from violence. I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and he saved me from my enemies. “The waves of death overwhelmed me; floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path. But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I cried to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry reached his ears.

“God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection. For who is God except the Lord? Who but our God is a solid rock? God is my strong fortress, and he makes my way perfect.

~ 2 Samuel 22:2-7, 31-33

There will always be times when we feel we need to run and hide… the need to find a ‘safe place’. God can be that hiding place. When we are distressed and surrounded by the waves of death in our old like to sin, we called to God for help, He heard our cries and brought us to a safe place. He’s always there, ready to shield and protect us whenever we call on Him.

I tend to only turn to God for the help He can give me, namely, His power to free me from the power of my dependencies and my hurts. As I have discovered how wonderful He is and how much He loves me, I tend to draw nearer to Him because of the joy I experience in His presence.

The one thing I ask of the Lord - the thing I seek most - is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord’s perfections and meditating in his Temple. For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me. At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy, singing and praising the Lord with music.

~ Psalm 27:4-6

God is always there… but we are not always aware of His presence. Our relationship with God usually begins with His meeting our desperate needs. But when we begin to focus on getting to know God as an end in itself, we will discover that He will give us what we have always desired – the joy of being close to our loving Creator. Then we will see that He can be trusted with every area of our life.

Most of us need to desire something before we will wholeheartedly seek after it. Until we sincerely believe that God has completely forgiven us, we will be ashamed to face him. If we hold to our misconceptions about God, this step will be a challenging chore rather than a joy.

I want to recover as quickly as possible. It’s so hard for me to be patient as I am waiting for the process to work. I realize I didn't get to this place of addiction overnight and I know I cannot undo a lifetime of damage in just a few moments. BUT still it is a challenge for me to wait patiently. This step requires that I learn to wait on God.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

~ Isaiah 40:31

The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.
~ Lamentations 3:25-26

Waiting on the Lord has its rewards.  We can remain calm when it appears that we aren’t’ making any progress in recovery. God give us strength and stamina to bear up under the strain so that we don’t faint or collapse under it.

Sometimes we don’t want to know Gods will because there are too many areas in our life that we aren’t ready to deal with yet. Recovery is a process… we may be ready to pray for Gods will in some areas but feel uncomfortable having God expose those roots into the areas that are still hidden in shame.

When we are hiding in sin… hiding parts of our life that bring shameful behavior and wanting to hold on to our addiction, the darkness seems to be our friend, but we need God’s light to keep us from stumbling. We don’t need to be afraid anymore because when we has for sincere forgiveness we can know that God will forgive us and that He will guide us on the right path.

God does not get angry when we come to Him repeatedly for our sins…

Step 10: I continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it.

We all have particular weaknesses and it’s often helpful to establish personal boundary lines to support these weak areas.  I grow impatient with myself when I continue to commit the same mistakes over and over and over again. This has definitely caused discouragement and has at times caused me to relapse. Learning to wait patiently is an important character trait that I want to develop.  Each time I admit sin and accept God’s forgiveness, my hope and faith have a chance to be exercised and grow stronger. I no longer have to hide in shame every time I slip... I can admit my wrongs and move on.

God loves for us should reaffirmed every time we rely on it. In this way God helps us hold our heads high no matter what happens.

I have a hard time dealing with anger and hurt. I tend to stifle my feelings. I tend to shut down feelings, pretending they don’t exist. I never allowed myself to express them in the past. Some of my problems stem from not knowing how to express anger or hurt properly so I have learned to avoid dealing with it altogether. I try to put it off and hope it goes away. BUT this has often lead to the use of alcohol in the past and I am afraid if I don’t learn to ‘deal’ in a healthy way there will be times of definite struggle. Evaluating how to deal with anger appropriately is an important part of my daily inventory. Setting boundaries with others should help me to deal with these issues in a healthy way.

Dealing with anger promptly is important because when it is left to fester it becomes bitterness. Bitterness is anger that has been buried and given time to grow.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ forgave you” Ephesians 4:31-32

AA teaches us that we should never let ourselves get too hungry, lonely, or tired.  We can help accomplish this by promptly dealing with our anger when it occurs.

It is amazing what humans can achieve through consistent disciplined effort. Continuing our regular personal inventory requires self-discipline. Spiritual strength and agility come only through practice. We need to develop our spiritual muscles through consistent effort and daily discipline. Continuing to take a personal inventory is one discipline we need to develop. Results won’t happen overnight but as we continue to practice these disciplines each day, we will eventually reap the benefits. Recovery is a lifelong process. There will be times that we will grow weary and want to throw in the towel. We will experience pain, fear, and a host of other emotions. We will win some battles but lose others in this war to achieve wholeness. We will get discouraged at times when we can’t see any progress, even though we have been working hard. But, if we persevere though it all, we can maintain the ground we have gained.  If we stop working our program before reaching the goal, we may lose everything we have fought, trained, gained and worked for.

I know I must routinely look at my spiritual self and if anything is wrong I can take proper steps to fix it.

Sometimes I feel awkward about bringing my recurring sins before God. I have often been embarrassed by the number of times I have had to deal with the same issues – issues that stubbornly refuse to be washed away. I often travel around the same mountain until I am wore out from the journey. I imagine that God is collecting a long list of repeated offenses to be used against me. But, I know God will forgive me, even when I keep repeating the same offenses… as long as I am truly repentant.

Some areas of my life needs more cleaning than others.  I have learned that God doesn't get angry when I come back to Him repeatedly. There is no need to feel awkward. God wants me to come to Him every time I sin.

I am so thankful that God doesn’t give up on me when I give up on myself.  I am so glad that God continues to love me when I do not feel very lovable. I am so thankful that I am on a good road… a road where I have learned a great deal about myself and what I need to do to stay sober and to improve my health. I am blessed to be at 18 months sobriety!!  Thank You God for seeing me to this point in my journey. Thank You for giving me more knowledge everyday about recovery and addiction.  I am not where I need to be but I am further along than I used to be. 

Courage, Humor & grace...

One reason I chose to start blogging about my walk through recovery was to share some of my experiences and hopefully give other people hope and encouragement.  And I truly believe that the 12 Steps are God given steps... I also believe they work in any walk of life and if you work the steps God will show you areas in your life He wants you to work on. 

After reading this quote I realize I am still wanting to control some things that are completely out of my control!!!   

The man I love: I still want to force the issue... MAKE him talk... GET the answers I think he OWES me... I want an apology and I want him to say he wants to start over... and WHY???  what is it going to really do for me?

My recovery: I feel like I should be further along than I am... I could be at 2 yrs sobriety this month IF I hadn't screwed up and relapsed... Sometimes I want to blame others... the people who I was with when I relapsed... the people who piss me off or hurt me and make me want to go buy a bottle of silver or vodka.... and WHY???  I know consuming alcohol isn't going to HELP me... it would just be another reason to hate myself and feel like I am a failure!!!

Unexpected things happen and are going to happen through out my life... I can only change me and my reactions to things as they come up. I don't want to hang on to things that have ended. I don't want to hang on to things that are bad for me. I don't want to hang on to the ideas of 'what could have been'.

So... I decided to go on...  its going to take COURAGE and some days HUMOR and always grace... God's GRACE. I want to reach a place of CONTENTMENT and PEACE in all parts of my life.  

Life goes on... I can choose to live it trying to control everything or I can give God all control and wait for Him to direct my steps!!!  

Returning to someone we have hurt is a scary thing…

Step 9: I made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

At this point in my recovery, I can honestly say I have experienced some major changes in my attitude. At one time I was so consumed by my addiction that I through only of myself. At times I know I failed to show any consideration to others. This step focuses on the interests and needs of others.  This step will be very difficult as I face the painful consequences of past actions. During this time I need to turn my life over to God, who always judges justly. I have not really worked this step like I should have up until now.  I am going to start making things right with those God is leading me to.

Something written in my journal for this step is: “When I was feeding my addiction it is easy to become consumed by my own needs. Nothing mattered except getting what I craved so desperately. I am well aware at this point in my life that within my community and family I become known as a “taker”. I know my new life does not excuse me from past obligations… I will have to face unfinished business of the past. This includes offering to pay back what I owe, coming clean, and going back to people from whom I ran away or hurt. The thought of returning to someone I have hurt is a scary thing. The passing years, lack of communication, and memories of anger and hurtful emotions exchanged all create a tremendous amount of anxiety.

How many people are still living in the shadow of our un-kept promises? Is it too late to go back now and try to make it up to them? There are probably people we know who have been affected by promises we have failed to keep. It is important that we try to fulfill whatever promises we have made. When we can’t, the least we can do is ask what our neglect meant to those we disappointed and apologizes for not keeping our promises.

When we walk down the wrong path in life, we end up in bad places and experience devastating losses. If we go far enough down that path, we endanger our very life. We may wonder if we have already gone too far. Is a new way of life really possible, even if we turn from our old ways and make amends? There IS hope for anyone who turns from sin and makes amends. Through Christ, our past sins can be overshadowed by the new life ahead of us.

“Son of man, give the people of Israel this message: You are saying, ‘Our sins are heavy upon us; we are wasting away! How can we survive?’ As surely as I live, says the Sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of wicked people. I only want them to turn from their wicked ways so they can live. Turn! Turn from your wickedness, O people of Israel! Why should you die?

“Son of man, give your people this message: The righteous behavior of righteous people will not save them if they turn to sin, nor will the wicked behavior of wicked people destroy them if they repent and turn from their sins. When I tell righteous people that they will live, but then they sin, expecting their past righteousness to save them, then none of their righteous acts will be remembered. I will destroy them for their sins. And suppose I tell some wicked people that they will surely die, but then they turn from their sins and do what is just and right. For instance, they might give back a debtor’s security, return what they have stolen, and obey my life-giving laws, no longer doing what is evil. If they do this, then they will surely live and not die. None of their past sins will be brought up again, for they have done what is just and right, and they will surely live.

“Your people are saying, ‘The Lord isn’t doing what’s right,’ but it is they who are not doing what’s right. For again I say, when righteous people turn away from their righteous behavior and turn to evil, they will die. But if wicked people turn from their wickedness and do what is just and right, they will live. O people of Israel, you are saying, ‘The Lord isn’t doing what’s right.’ But I judge each of you according to your deeds.”

~Ezekiel 33:10-20

My grace is sufficient for you...

Step 8: Made a list of all persons I had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

God sees irresponsible behavior as action that can be corrected. He doesn’t see us as hopelessly bad… regardless of what we have been through, we are still held responsible to the things we have done wrong. As we have allowed to let our lives get out of control we have hurt others and probably not even realized it. In fact, most of the pain we caused has probably been unintentional but we are still responsible for the way our behavior has affected others. This is true even if we didn't realize we were hurting them. These unintentional sins need to be acknowledge and corrected as soon as we discover them. God forgives all our sins. In the recovery process, however, the unintentional sins need to be accounted for along with the more obvious ones.

Loneliness and isolation go along with the guilt and shame I feel about who I am and what I have done. Sometimes I feel so cut off from others that I feel lonely even when I am around other people. Guilt, fear of being hurt, and self-hatred make me unable to believe in the love others have for me.  I often feel all alone in my struggles… even when there are people beside me who want to help. Being willing to accept their love is part of the preparation for amends.  Loneliness can break me and defeat me in the recovery process. As I prepare to make amends, I also need to prepare my heart to accept whatever love, support, or friendship is offered in return.

In step 8 listing all the people I have wronged will probably trigger a natural defensiveness. With each name listed another mental list begins to form – a list of wrongs that have been done to me.  Dealing with resentment held towards others will help to move forward. When I look at all the things God has forgiven me for it is easier to choose to forgive others. This also frees me of festering resentment. I can’t change what other have done to me but I can write off their debts.

Some people will respond with forgiveness, comfort, acceptance, and love. This will help me overcome my grief, the bitterness, and the discouragement I feel. Their forgiveness will help me move on to recovery.

Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. Galatians 6-7

 

God says we will always reap what we have sown… even after we have been forgiven we must deal with the consequences of our actions. It may take time to finish harvesting the negative consequences from our past, but we can’t let this discourage us. Making a list of those we have wronged is a step towards planting good seeds. In time we will see good crops again.

  

As I re-read my Serenity journal from my treatment I am amazed by some of the notes… some that I still feel are true for me and some that prove that I know I have actually moved forward in my recovery.

My relapse happened in a three month span – Aug, Sept, Oct and the first part of Nov. of 2012. I started my second treatment on Nov. 15 at Heartview.

Relapse – to fall back into the former state of drinking once treatment or recovery has begun. The act of returning to old behavior. Relapse is a common occurrence in many chronic disorders that require behavioral adjustments to treat effectively.

Recovery – a lifelong process of change to abstain from addiction (alcohol)… a character building process that increases the chance of staying clean and sober.

On December 9^th I wrote in my journal: I am hopeless when it comes to alcohol and its power over me. Over and over again, though I have tried to control it, I’ve found my mind is warped by the obsessive compulsion to drink. Left to my own devices I am helplessly headed towards personal destruction. I cannot manage my life this way any longer.  I cannot recover without making up my mind. I must admit total loss of control. The idea that I will ever have it again has to be smashed.

Alcoholism is a disease – a compulsion of the body and an obsession of the mind that makes willpower so week it’s likely no individual’s human fortitude can restore it, relieving that loss of choice.

If I take that first drink I know immediately that the cycle will be renewed and set in motion. My diseases remission is maintained in my continued repetition of Step 1. I am one drink away from powerlessness and unmanageability.

As I admitted myself powerless and helpless when confronted by my obsessive compulsion with alcohol – I knew there must be a solution – some power greater than myself and booze – nothing but the strength of God can remove my compulsive obsession to drink. My failed attempts of stopping show that self-reliance is not an answer but that God is the answer to beating this thing and accomplishing sobriety.

My relationships may not be sufficient… my circumstances may not be sufficient… my finances may not be sufficient… my will power may not be sufficient… my confidence may not be sufficient… but He is and He has been and forever will be.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

The more I rely on God the more independent I will become as I seek to have God direct me in carrying out His will in my life my burdens of self-determination and self-sufficiency are lifted. Recovery means making many changes and some are more difficult than others.

‘A change of habit leads to a change in life’ ~ Jenny Craig

Her children arise and call her blessed. Proverbs 31:28

My Mother... what a beautiful woman!!

This woman gave me life... I am very proud to call her "my mother"!! I wish there was not 1000 miles separating us today... I miss her very much. I think about what she means to me and what this day means. She taught me what it means to be a mom. She truly is a woman like no other. Her love is unconditional and selfless. There are truly no words to adequately describe how thankful I feel that God blessed me with her. She has been such an powerful influence in my life and she continues to be even now.  I see beauty in her that I know without a doubt God placed in her.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

On this day I also feel very blessed to be a Mother. I can say without a doubt that my kids are my greatest accomplishment in life. I am very proud of both of them. They are such amazing young adults now. I am truly honored to say I am their mother. I am excited to see what God has planned for their adult lives. God has truly blessed me. 

The greatest Mother's Day gift is the blessing of my two kids!