The answer to a long awaited search....

well its been a long time since I posted in my blog been thinking about starting up again.... Life is pretty much the same as where I left off.

Sober 3 years 10 months... excited to hit that four year mark!!! I still find it to be a struggle some days although they are few of those days now... finally!!!  Stress brings on the wanting and entertaining the idea brings on the struggle but I am learning.

I am thinking about revisiting the 12 steps again... Taking a little time to review my previous writings, thoughts & feelings.  The goal? To dig deeper and pluck out some of those roots!

Many many years ago God placed Nehemiah and Jeremiah on my heart.  I was in the Bible book store and a study guide nearly jumped off the shelf into my hands.  I contemplated buying or not buying but the overwhelming feeling that it was the "right" book won and I took it home.  I have a lot of notes I made as I read it but after awhile of not quite understanding it's purpose.... The words I took away from it were determination & rebuilding. But I didn't find alot of real understanding in its pages so I put it away.  Throughout the years God has brought back these 2 amazing men of the Bible. Recently I purchased a book titled Rebuilding the real you by Jack Hartford....who do you think it's about?  If you said Nehemiah & Jeremiah you would be right!!   So now I understand the purpose from all those years ago.... personal restoration.... rebuilding walls and how those walls and gates of the city relate to our spirit and soul.... Breaking away from condemnation....facing tomorrow and all the days to come with joy.... Rebuilding to last... and doing it all while maintaining sobriety.

Thinking that I will study the 12 steps in the aspect of the books of Nehemiah and Jeremiah.  Should be a blog worthy quest!!!!!!

Am I occupying my promise land?

We will never be victors without opponents. If you are not presently occupying your promised land, rest assured the devil is. ~Beth Moore Believing God

I read that quote while studying Believing God by Beth Moore.  It struck a chord with me when I re-read it a couple of days ago in my Sobriety journal. 

Am I occupying my promise land? I don’t even know where my promise land is OR for that matter what it even looks like, so I am pretty certain I am NOT the one occupying it! Maybe this is why I feel like a complete and utter mess? Two and a half years in sobriety and I feel like I am no closer to conquering this underlying infinite thirst. Somewhere I read this: “At the heart of every craving is an unmet need. Rather than thinking of the need as wrong or bad, listen for the motivation behind the craving, meet the root need that’s crying for attention…”

There are times even yet when the desire to drink is so strong. After time of huge stress and feeling unhappy with situations, being lonely, not getting enough rest, not eating right… I have settled for just trying to survive and I have stopped working to stay in recovery… entertaining wrong feelings… wanting things that are not mine to want… I don’t know how to process these feelings so I stuff them and stuff them until there is no place for them to go… I fight it and I fight it but recently it was more than I could handle and I didn’t have any fight left in me… even as I drove to Captain Jacks and even as I purchased the tequila and vodka my mind wasn’t on what I was doing but how it was going to feel and that old craving was right (there is just something about downing that first drink and getting a buzz) but then there is sick… shame… self-loathing… promises to myself and to God… sometimes promises to others… but it ends the same… broken words! 

There are very few people I trust in this time and I try to reach out hoping someone will do something and no one does… I cry out to God… I beg Him to take this away from… I plead for some spiritual awakening that will give me freedom from this and insight into WHY…. 

It never comes… 

There are things in my life that are extremely important to me… first and foremost are my kids… I hated the thought of telling them I have been drinking and hiding it for the past week… I didn’t want to see the disappointment or the worry in their faces. I tried for 2 days to tell them and I didn’t have the words… I hated being back in this place. I knew they would be forgiving and I knew they would be supportive… but I also knew there would be worry. I love the relationship that the 3 of us have. I love my kids!!!  I love my friends and family. I can't always open up to people. I think that is one of the hardest things to do.... to be vulnerable to others and be honest about my deepest feelings. To own up to my mistakes or shortcomings.

Sometimes I think there are lessons to be learned and one thing I know is I get very self-centered and paranoid. These 2 things are horrible feelings to have... makes me believe things that are not even remotely true.  The second thing I know is that this thing is never going completely away… it is and forever will be a part of who I am… now to learn how to ‘deal’ with this idea.  I know God can heal but for some reason I don’t think He is going to just ‘take this thing’ from me. I think if He was going to, it would have happened already? Maybe I am wrong but this is where I am… this is a war I have to fight and this round is just between me, God and my addiction… this is a battle I intend to win and I so very grateful that God never leaves me and He is here to fight with me and to help me face this fact:
“At the heart of every craving is an unmet need. Rather than thinking of the need as wrong or bad, listen for the motivation behind the craving, meet the root need that’s crying for attention…”

SOBER:  The S stands for stop: pause for a moment and consider what you are doing. O means observe: think about what you are sensing, feeling and experiencing, and what events led to the situation. B is for breathe: take a few deep breaths. Then, expand your awareness and remind yourself of what will happen if you keep repeating the unwanted behavior and how you will feel afterward. R stands for respond mindfully: remember that you have a choice, that you are not powerless, and that you don't have to continue the undesired behavior.

NO, I don’t know that I have ever really occupied my promised land but I am about to take it over!

Life goes on...

This time of year is so hard to get through... November - February. My kids give me hope and help me to enjoy it to a degree. Beyond that I just wish we didn't have to even go through them.

3 big things that happened this time of year in my that I am already thinking about...

My dad died on Dec. 23... going to be 3 years!!  So hard to believe.

Jan 1 1997 - I took the kids and left Joe. The FINAL time. Started a whole new life. One of the most painful things I ever did... I truly loved that man but couldn't handle the pain that he brought to us. Every year is a reminder of the loss/failure... but its also a reminder of strength.

Then the relationship I thought was 'the one' started and ended Jan-Feb. Still not completely past this for some reason. It crushes me to think that he is just believing lies of the enemy... I don't know what else to do??  I don't know why my heart still just aches???

BUT life goes on... even through loss... through anxiety... through pain... and we go on the best we can.

I wish I could make people understand the anxiety these months bring to me... I know some don't understand why I want to just stay home... its nothing against anyone... it just works better for me. I don't sit home feeling bad... I sit home feeling comfort. I have always loved to just be at home... this is my comfortable place. I try to go out and I always 'make it' but its not easy. Used to drink to get through that time too and it helped... now that isn't an option ;-).

The 'whys' of drinking...

I drank a good part of 30 years… hard to believe when I came to that realization that it could really be true. 15-45… 30 years.  There were periods of time in between I didn't drink but honestly it was never more than a couple of months at a time… longest periods were during pregnancy but then it wasn't complete abstinence.

I really don’t know why I started drinking at 15. My life was pretty good. Had a good home and a good family. I know my parents loved me. Being 1 or 8 was part of it I suppose. Feeling a little like I didn't really matter. We were often told if I were going to drink we should drink at home. I don’t think this was approval to drink this was just a ‘safety’ precaution? Don’t drink and drive… don’t do stupid shit when you are drinking. Drinking at home was much safer I am sure. Some drinking I did at home but most was hidden.  I always felt like what I did really didn't matter one way or the other. I was just ok... no matter what happened.

I wonder if I had had the education about alcohol that my kids received in family treatment if I still would have chosen the things I did. Coming from an alcoholic family drinking was the last thing I should have done. I did not know my biological father but I do know from stories from numerous family members that he was an alcoholic. I knew my mom drank some when I was really little… not so much after we moved to Missouri. After moving to Missouri with my step dad… my DAD… My parents only drank on occasions… when they did though I have to say from memories they did it up good! I have some fond memories of my lovable dad having heart to hearts with the ‘dogs’ about how much he loved us all…. Memories of mom sick… oh man did she get sick after drinking… I did NOT get her gene… I should have!!

I think about the WHYS… what caused me to start in the first place… I think the fact that it didn't really seem to matter to anyone was the biggest thing but I LOVED it… loved the taste… loved the way it made me feel…. I was hooked from the first time…. After that it was just something I did and as stupid as it sounds it was something I was good at!! I felt inferior in a lot of ways…. I wasn't good at school… finding something you were good at was important…  It always made me feel ‘proud’ in a way when someone would say “I cannot believe how much you can drink and you don’t even seem like you have had that much” or “you are so little how can you drink so much”.

Now after I turned 23 and met Joe and married him… that is when things really changed… the drinking wasn't to be cool anymore or to prove something. Then it became a safety net… Joe was a much nicer man when he was drinking. It never made sense to me but he would mellow out and just be easy going… things didn't piss him off as easy… usually abusive men tend to be worse with booze… maybe if he drank harder stuff it would have been different? I hear whiskey doesn't mellow them out? We still stuck to beer, wine, tequila or vodka… or a little of each of them in one night. I pushed the booze… saved a lot of fighting!!  Without the alcohol there was too much chaos.  So after about 9 years of living like that one learns to depend on it. I think about our biggest fights… the ones where I end up with bruises or stitches… NO alcohol involved but most definitely his ‘little side business’ was the culprit. Some of you know what I am talking about…  this ‘little business’ ended up being the reason I left him and turned him in. There was a short period of time I was open to smoking the marijuana but it was very short lived… did NOT like that stuff at all. His little illegal business made him crazier than he was… I think had we not been so worried about getting caught and so suspicious… maybe we would have made it?  I don’t know… I just wonder. He did time for that ‘little business’ but I moved on without him.

So by this time it was too late for me in the drinking aspect of my life. I wanted to stop but it had such a hold on me. I am pretty sure that any one that KNEW me knew I was a drinker… I am also pretty sure by comments since I went to treatment that people didn’t really KNOW or didn't want to admit I had a problem. I was raising babies on my own… scared to death that something bad was going to happen after turning Joe in and him doing time and me taking his kids away from him… I lived a life of constant fear for my life and for the life of my kids for the next 10 years.

Drinking was still always a part of my life… even when I was broke I managed to get my booze. Something I am NOT proud of… friends and family loaned me money so many times I can’t even count so I could make ends meet but buying booze was always the reason I never had enough to make ends meet. God always provided!!!  People always came through!!  And I still screwed up!!! 

I love to say my kids were always first…. My kids came first…. That was true of everything but the alcohol…  I think I did a pretty good job raising my kids… pretty amazing actually for all they didn't have and for the things they missed out on. No dad and sometimes not much of a mom….

I stayed single all these years… that was one promise I made to God…. I would NOT repeat the relationship thing… I knew enough to know that it was highly in my favor to get right back into the same type of relationship (or worse) and I refused to do that to my kids. I knew too many women in my same position that were constantly moving from one man to another… one relationship to another… one abusive situation to another… I also knew the chances of my kids being abused would increase each time… I was smart enough to know the risks… I avoided them!!

So, in times of loneliness I drank… in times of shame I drank… when I was hurt I drank… pissed - I drank… happy – I drank….  In times of celebration or pain…. I drank. It was my way of coping. I hid in it…. But it just continually got harder and harder to keep it hidden and it just wasn't giving me what I needed any more….

It was good I had someone that I can be totally honest with and be myself with because she knew what to say… she always knows what to say!!  She helped me to realize where I was headed if I didn't stop…. What had been mostly just a mental thing was now becoming physical. I was sick all the time… stomach issues getting increasingly worse… not being able to eat was getting worse. Anxiety and stress were increasing… suicidal thoughts/feelings were increasing.

So now there was treatment… I have to say that was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life!!! Sitting in an evaluation was horrifying… being in withdrawal at the time was just a BONUS of horrifying!!  (Alcohol withdrawal was the worst thing I ever went through physically). Starting treatment was equally horrifying… I think I cried through my whole first night… I cried before going and I cried during and I cried after! The first few times were so intense… there were nights (family nights) that were soooo intense… my family times wasn't horrifying but it was tough to hear some of the things my kids had to say… but after getting into a routine and learning how it worked and having a counselor as awesome as the one I had I was NOT ready to be done at the end of it… it was scary leaving… thinking I wasn't going to make it without group and my counselor.  Well, I didn't make it long… barely 6 months!!  Moving to Missouri right after treatment was the wrong choice… well, maybe not? I learned that I love North Dakota… this IS my home. IF I had not moved to Missouri I would not have ended up with the apartment we have now and I really think I would have stayed in the job I was in which at the time was pretty toxic. Treatment the second time was NOT as scary… and I think I worked a little harder and took it more serious. Paying for 2 rounds of treatment was NOT nice!!  NO insurance…. Treatment is NOT cheap!!!! 

BUT now I am feeling so much better physically... sometimes mentally. Sometimes the mental part is still a struggle. Learning new coping skills has been tough… it’s easy to fall back into ‘old habits’.  It is most definitely a journey of “ONE DAY AT A TIME”. 

I think the things I am most thankful for today is a restored relationship with my kids, new found friendships (I have met and became friends with some amazing women through this journey) and the old friendships that have grown!! 

I am truly blessed!!! 

A little 'drinking' history...

I started drinking when I was 15 yrs old. I did not drink real often just when I could get it… I really liked it.  From my first taste on I always liked it… the taste and the way it made me feel.  From 15-19 I drank a few times a month and usually just beer or wine coolers.  After turning 20 I knew more people I could get booze from so my intake increased a little more too about 6-7 times a month. 

When I turned 21… this is when it all changed!  I worked at Hillcrest Lanes (restaurant & bowling alley) as a cook.  My 21st birthday party was held at the Back Door Lounge… what a party!!  I remember people buying me drinks and me drinking them. My mom kept telling me I was going to get sick… ha ha… I should have told her then that I could drink pretty much anything I wanted to drink and mix pretty much anything I wanted and I felt fine and didn't get sick!!!  I drank a lot that night and from that night on I was pretty much a permanent fixture in that place!! 

From 21-22 I would be there 3-4 nights a week for sure… sometimes more…. Sometimes less…A normal night would include 3-6 beers, a mixed drink here and there and always a few shots… vodka and tequila were always ‘my’ choice.  After 22 though it increased to 4-5 nights a week… by the time I met Joe when I was 23 I was drinking 4-5 nights a week and drinking 5-7 beers, several mixed drinks, 3-4 shots (again tequila). 

My tolerance was increasing… I felt like I could drink A LOT before people could tell I was drunk and I very rarely got sick from it.  Headaches and stomach ache were the normal but rarely threw up.  There were many, many, many nights my folks drove all the way to Lamar to pick me up because I was too drunk to drive… oh yes… there were many nights I was drunk but still felt like I had enough control to drive myself… how scary huh??

When I was 23 I got married and we drank at home. We always had booze in the house. 24-26 yrs we drank at least 5 nights a week.  I rarely went to bed without having some drink. 6-8 beers or a few glasses of wine… shots of tequila was a pretty normal night… sometimes just beer…. Sometimes just wine… but almost always a shot or two to make me feel good.

The only time I didn't drink heavily was the time frame I had kids… I was drinking when I found out I was pregnant but cut way back during the pregnancies… not completely stopped… would have one now and then… usually just a little glass of wine… no shots..

When I was 30 I left Joe… this was in 1997… this was the last and final break. Moved to ND. Lived with Renee for about 6 months.  Did not drink during this time but after moving into our own apartment I started drinking again. In that first year I tried to pace myself… it was hard to buy it because I didn't always have enough money. BUT I always managed to get it when I wanted it. I would say in that next year I was right back to drinking the amounts I was drinking when I stopped at age 26. There was always a steady increase in tolerance so a little more booze was needed to reach the same affect I wanted. I would go through times where I tried to stop… I would cut back and allow myself only a certain amount but that didn't work… before long I would be right back where I left off and then more. By the time I was 39 I was drinking at least 5-6 nights a week 6-8 beers, couple glasses of wine, shots of tequila. Tolerance was very high… and my ability to mix drinks was still in full force. I knew I was in trouble when I started drinking the tequila by the bottle…  My drinking increased heavily after my dad died in Dec 2011. Now we are talking feeling sick… throwing up… passing out… not remembering.

With the help of my trusted friend, Linda pushing me to seek help… I called Heartview and got an appointment with Brenda for an evaluation.  I was going through withdrawals when I was doing my evaluation (withdrawal is by far worse than any drunken state I had been in). I started intensive outpatient treatment in May 2012. Went through treatment 3 months/3 nights a week/3 hrs a night. Finished treatment in July 2012 and moved to Missouri the end of July.  Kept my job here in ND (worked remotely) and flew back once in a while to work. Started drinking again in Sept. while working in ND.  First night was just a couple of beers and the next I don’t even remember what I drank, where we went or how I got back to my bed at Elaine’s… I do however remember feeling worthless… feeling like a failure and knowing that this was not going to be an easy road.  I started sneaking beer here and there so the kids wouldn't see me drinking. I knew this was not going to change but only get worse so I moved BACK to ND and planned to start treatment at Heartview a second time.

The last night I drank (Nov 11 or 12, 2012) I do not remember much of that night at all… I drank at home… in my bedroom… in hiding… I had a 1.75 of Tequila Silver…. This was a Sunday night… started drinking on Sat. night… had just a few shots. Was hiding it of course because I didn't want the kids to know.  Finished the bottle off on Sunday night…. I remember calling and talking to Linda but I really don’t remember much after that.  I woke up Monday morning… this is what I saw… phone on my bed (that was unusual… the base was on my night stand and I always hang it up) open (empty bottle of tequila on my bathroom sink, open bottle of sleeping pills (pills still in them) on my bed….

 

I made a phone call to Linda that night… guessing after I polished off the bottle… I don’t remember it but the next day she told me I had told her I couldn't do this anymore… somewhere in the conversation I hung up one her… NOT something I would normally do… not sure why but she says I did… I know from what I saw when I woke up that I was in a desperate place… the pills were still in the bottle so I know I didn't take any (or maybe not too many) but the idea that I planned to was enough for me… I remember feeling worthless… like I failed again… and so tired of feeling this way. There have been several times in my life I wanted it to just STOP!!  I wanted the pain to just STOP…. I wanted the heartache to just STOP!!! I don’t WANT to die but I want things to JUST STOP!!  I passed out that night and I cannot remember most of what happened… to me this was the final blow…. This was the confirming idea that I was out of control and if I continued this way my life was going to end up in a real mess or my kids were going to end up without their mother. If I didn't change I knew I was going to die.

2^nd treatment was the same… intensive outpatient 3 months/3 nights a wk/3 hrs a night. I actually ended up doing 4 months I think… wasn't ready to leave treatment… went into aftercare treatment for 5 months.  Visited treatment off and on when I felt like I needed it. I am so thankful for Brenda… my counselor all 3 groups…. My friend now!!  I met a lot of people that I came to admire in treatment… one of those is Roberta… from first group… still friends and what an amazing and encouraging woman she is!!!

I have to say through ALL of this one question I have been asked by far the most is this: 

“Was it really that bad?” 

My question is “HOW BAD DOES IT HAVE TO BE FOR ONE TO SEEK TREATMENT?” 

            

If you drink and you drink often and you drink a lot my guess is there is an issue that you need to look at.  Alcoholics don’t always fit the ‘norm’ or what people ‘expect’ of them….

for example.

I would guess that the vast majority of the time I drank most people would not even be able to tell I had been drinking or that I was drunk. I held down a job almost the entire time I was drinking… rarely missed work due to alcohol… had NO legal trouble because of it… never had DUI though I am ashamed to say I should have several times!!  I maintained a home for my kids…. Not perfect but they were taken care of… their needs were met. With the exception of the Back Door Lounge I hardly ever went out to drink.  Did drink with meals when I would go out for supper if it was available. 

There are a lot of reasons I felt shame… mostly because I felt like it was out of my control… once I started there was no stopping. I even was to the point where I would drink before going to work… just a little to get my day going… there were several times I drank before going to church!!  How sick is that???  I would have a drink before going to any family gatherings or events. IF I was around people who I knew liked to drink and approved of me drinking I was in my glory… how sick is that??

 

Was it REALLY that bad??? How bad do you have to be???? 

If you drink and there is a history of alcoholism in your families you are at risk…. If you drink and your tolerance is increasing and you can’t control your intake you have a problem!!  If people would realize that it doesn't take much to be ‘that bad’. 

When I look back NOW here is what I see…. I was always sick… I had stomach issues for as long as I can remember. Pretty sure most of it was due to drinking… some of it is due to anxiety/stress but mostly due to the booze. Since I have been clean for 2 yrs now I do not have the same stomach problems.  Stress/anxiety bring on stomach aches but it’s not quite the same.  I am healthier now… gained weight… I can actually eat almost like normal… I am happier (less stress/anxiety)… my relationship with my kids is so much better.  They are my rocks… they keep me going… they are my greatest encouragers!!!  There are still things I need to work on and address… I am far from being where I need to be!!

I still struggle with heartache and pain… not always handled in good ways… no booze but other bad habits crop up. It’s a work in progress…. It’s ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Will share more of the 'feelings/thoughts' behind the drinking at a later time.

Moving forward...

Sitting and thinking... sometimes not so good but in this case its a good thing. I have been reading the book "Crash the Chatterbox - hearing God's voice above all others" by Steven Furtick. Also, started watching his sermons that go with the study. I am caught up in this... its like I finally have an answer and the tools I need to overcome this constant barrage of chatter in my head. I felt like there is something wrong with me... this constant noise and voices I hear drive me crazy. I feel like it has kept me in turmoil. BUT now i know how to stop the chatter... how to drown out the noise and replace it with the promises of God and the voice of God. 

I started counseling and started going to a group on Sunday nights called Celebrate Recovery. Tonight will be my second meeting. I am hoping to get a little more of a 'feel' for this group tonight. First night was there one year anniversary so the outline of the meeting was different than they normally have. Also, attending a different group Monday nights but really not in the position to say much as tomorrow will be my first meeting. 

I am also learning to exercise my right to say "NO" when I feel like NO is the right thing to say. In regards to work I exercised saying NO.... it felt good... I rarely do that. I say yes to keep people happy while I am miserable because I want to say no and fail to follow my heart... setting boundaries... learning that my best YES and my best NO are important to my healing.

Moving forward and learning more....

If you hear the chatter and if you struggle with and believe the chatterbox then I highly recommend reading this book and watching the 6 part series on the Crash the Chatterbox Study.

The Reason for the World by Matthew West (with lyrics)

Love this song... sometimes I just want answers for things... at this time I am facing the fact that I may never get what I long for... its okay... its time to just move on and stop expecting answers. But I do long for home... maybe that is why???

My life is again taking some changes. Much needed... I am somewhat nervous/scared but yet somewhat excited to see what God has in store.

Is this the end? or only the beginning?

The second chance
I never thought I'd get

The question is
Will I do something with it
Or spend my days
Lost in my regret

This is the story of my life
I get to decide
How the rest is gonna read
This is my chance between the lines
To redefine what kind of legacy I leave
This is the story of my life
And it's a story worth telling

Breathe in deep
Feel my heart still breathing
Let's go see the reason I am still alive
Oh, I am here
and love is up to something
So taking my fear
and leave it all behind

This is the story of my life
I get to decide
How the rest is gonna read
This is my chance between the lines
To redefine what kind of legacy I will leave
This is the story of my life
And it's a story worth telling

This is the joy
And it's the pain
And all the pages in between
My finest hour
My weakest moment
It where I have been
It's where I am 
It's where I am going

This is the story of my life
I decide
How the rest is gonna read
This is my chance between the lines
To redefine the kind of legacy I will leave
This is the story of my life
Go tell the story of your life
Cause it's a story worth telling
It's worth telling

Is this the end?
Or only the beginning?

this IS the BEGINNING....... The story of my life!!!

Some of Matthew West's music has had an impact on me this week.... "The Reason of the World"  -  "The Story of Your Life"  -  "Waitin' on a Miracle"  -  "The Healing Has Begun"

strong enough????

Change is most often painful... I feel like I have a lot of change coming... pretty sure its not going to be an easy road.

BUT I am reminded...  I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.... 

it is time to 'clean house' and remove some of the 'clutter'...

I have come to realize I have a very addictive personality... if its not booze it is people or things... I feel like it is time to 'clean house' and remove some of the 'clutter'.  

I did a very selfish and stupid thing the other day... it has had serious repercussions for me. This I will share at a later time it is not for today... but it has opened my eyes to the severity of my addictions and my need to make some more changes... and in all honesty my need for serious help.

Leaving facebook is much needed and way overdue... I have contemplated deactivating my account for a long time... and I have taken breaks which ended up being extremely short and useless. I hope people really believe that this decision was not due to any comments on my posts. It is strictly something I know I need to do for ME... 

On the alcohol addiction front... I am about 3 weeks away from being sober for 2 years. A milestone I never thought I would reach... BUT I find my thinking going to alcohol way too often and entertaining the idea of just one drink... no one needs to know... and all the other thoughts that come with it. I find myself thinking that it is just a matter of time before I go back to my old ways. This is scary & very dangerous thinking. IF there is one thing I learned in treatment it is the fact that when you start thinking 'its only a matter of time before I fail' it WILL BE only a matter of time before I fail. I do not want to fail at this!

I have faced some crap in the past 3 years that I really was not prepared to deal with. I continue to face crap... stuff brought on by my actions/choices and stuff brought on by other peoples actions/choices. There is more to face and deal with. In this 'realization' I have come to terms with something about myself... I am an addict!!!  If its not booze it is going to be something else... and at this point I realize it is a person... a relationship/situation I have not been able to let go of. How does facebook play a part in this situation? Well, I am constantly reminded by different quotes and things that I read that I lost someone I loved very deeply and I find myself rehashing it and trying to figure out 'what happened' and the 'whys' of it all... there are no answers to be found... only the thought that I am not good enough and that there must be something wrong with me... regardless of what the 'truth' is... I am stuck... stuck in a place of pain that I no longer want to be stuck in!!!  

Here are a few things I want you to know about me... I have a fragile heart and it is easily damaged. I am sensitive (way too much most of the time). I am careful who I let in and I am careful to not give too much away... I love deeply and forever... I forgive easily (I know how quickly and easily God forgives me... I have no choice but to react that same way). I want to fix things for people and it is usually way out of my control to do so and this has an affect on me that I can't explain. I am also NOT afraid to share the 'real me' any more!! I am not afraid to admit my failures and shortcomings... I am not afraid to admit I am a sinner and what my sins are... sins brought out of the darkness bring healing and forgiveness.

Hidden sins remain...

FYI:  If you intend to follow me and read my blog I must WARN you.... you will most likely encounter swear words at points of time... I know most people don't understand this but I am telling you now it is part of who I am and I will not apologize for it. When GOD deals with me on this issue I will let you know... I would love to get comments and have some interaction on here... I will try not to get offended and try not to offend.  

Back to the 12 Steps...

Big Book: page 69... "We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it."

I don't know how you 'the reader' feels about this paragraph but for me it's a very difficult one to put into action... writing down all your defects... taking a moral inventory... listing the good things about yourself if you can even begin to see what those things are... so how does one REALLY accomplish this goal honestly and effectively????  I am still looking for the answer to this question!

When I go to bed at night and my mind starts to quiet I think about my day... review the things that happened and wonder where I was resentful, selfish, dishonest, afraid, hopeless, angry, self seeking, hateful,... this list goes on and on. What could I have done better? Do I owe apologies? What am I still keeping to myself that I should share with another person? What could I have done better? Most often I make my review and decide what I could have done different... I seek God's forgiveness and ask for direction from Him.

When I awake in the mornings I think about the 24 hours ahead (I try very very hard to just focus on today but it doesn't always work that way for me) another fault I need to continue to work on. As I consider my plans for the day (do I work... am I off & what can I do to get things accomplished at home... is there someone I can visit with whom I can encourage and find encouragement... how do I fit others into my day when I just want to be alone? I ask God to direct my thinking. I want to be free of so many of the things that weigh me down... self pity, self seeking behavior!!! I long for my thinking to be free from wrong motives. I long for answers that I don't feel I am getting... I long for answers to my whys & what ifs. 

I feel so completely exhausted most of the time... I get plenty of sleep (usually a very good sleep) occasionally my sleep is disrupted by horrible dreams and as of lately dreams of drinking... I long for a job that pays well & allows me to have health/retirement benefits without a physically exhausting labor... I long for a quiet - peaceful mind... I long for someone to share in all these things.

I would be lying if I said I don't think about drinking OFTEN... It has definitely lessened the amount of time that the thoughts come but they still come... when I am tired (which is so much of the time) and feeling let down or upset... the thoughts come... "just one drink - no one has to know - one drink to just numb yourself - just one drink"... I know where that ONE drink leads so I avoid it.... so then I think maybe it's just time to work the 12 steps again... go through my book, read the highlights and the notes, read my journals from treatment, look at my usage history and my goals, read the assignments the kids had to do in the family education and then just re-evaluate everything.  

Walking through Grief

I guess it is time to write again... I have a lot of thoughts going through my head and they just won't leave me alone so time to put them down in writing... this writing is about GRIEF and what it means to me.

Definition of grief: Keen mental suffering or distress of affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret... in this instance keen is defined as sharp or penetrating.  So grief is sharp and penetrating mental suffering or distress of affliction or loss... sharp sorrow, painful regret.

Many years ago... back in 1998 I was in a bookstore... I'm sure at that time it was the Rainbow Shop (Parable Christian Store) but I am not certain of the store... but very certain of the book that stood out to me... I guess I have often said it "jumped off the shelf"... it was at that time a life saving thing for me. At that time I was recently divorced - living 1000 miles from my home - raising 2 babies on my own - and feeling like my whole world had just fallen apart. The book? Fresh Start by Thomas Whiteman, PH.D. and Randy Petersen. The subject? Overcoming grief. Somewhere along the way I accepted and overcame that particular loss... I am so thankful for that book. I loaned it to someone years ago and never got it back. I am hoping someone received help and comfort from those pages.

I recently ran across it at Amazon... bought it (really cheap) and have since read it again... This book is about a fresh start... a fresh start after a loss of a loved one, loss of relationship, loss of job, loss of a church/church family... the list goes on... there really are no limits to grief and to why a person decides they need a fresh start.

Here are the Fresh Start principles:
#1: Rely on God, but take responsibility for you own wholeness.
#2: The healing process involves stages.
#3: Healing takes time.
#4: Healing is a slippery slope.
#5: Forgiveness is essential but elusive.
#6: Your view of yourself affects how you relate to others.
#7: Your healing can be helped or hurt by the company you keep.
#8: You complete your fresh start by helping others.

I have to be honest I do not know where I am on this new journey. After almost 3 years of treatment and recovery I still find myself healing and I am so tired of being in this stage. The loss of alcohol has been extremely painful. I know this sounds quite stupid but let me say it is nonetheless true! Alcohol was my escape... from many things but mostly from feeling... this was my coping mechanism... this was my comfort!! It has been painful learning to cope without it and to learn new coping skills in the process of this loss. Yes... LOSS... the death of a loved one is so comparable... I know because I suffered a major loss 2 1/2 years ago when my dad died... this was tragic... his was the first major loss I have experienced to death besides grandparents and aunts & uncles. After all this time it still doesn't feel 'real' to me. Then there was the loss of a job that I loved... it was a very unhealthy place for me and my sobriety so I had to get out of it... another major and painful loss... and then there is Mitch. Why am I still hung up on him and this dream of what could have been? I ask myself this question repeatedly... I feel like this is beyond my ability to just let go of... why? Well, I guess I still believe I heard from God that this was the man I prayed for... was it really God? I don't know any more... I do question it. It was something I truly believed and I felt like he believed it too... I believe God spoke to his heart too that this was a God thing and then he just bailed on me (on us) on me & God!  And all I can say at this point is it is unresolved in my heart. So... here I am at a point in my life where I needed to read this book again. I need to ponder the 8 principles. I am, I believe, in that slippery slope.... trying & wanting to get up on the side of Acceptance & Forgiveness. 

Here is an image of the slippery slope: ps... I made this using paint.net so its not a perfect copy from the book ;-) 

so I feel I am somewhere either in the depression stage or rising up the acceptance & forgiveness side of this deep pit! I am tired... exhausted is a better word... ready for another FRESH START!!  

The grieving process... how long will it take? Well, it is different for every person and different for every situation. Time heals. If you have been injured, whether it be physically or emotionally it takes time to heal properly. My prayer is that I come out with a new understanding of myself. That I find balance in my life. And that some how I can help someone else through their grief and struggles. 

God doesn't use us in spite of our down times but because of them.

If you are struggling in any area where you feel you need a fresh start... if you need to work through the grieving process for any reason I highly recommend this book... If you just want more info on each of the principle just let me know... I have been thinking about doing a in depth study of these principles... so questions are welcomed!!! 

thanks for reading!!