it is time to 'clean house' and remove some of the 'clutter'...

I have come to realize I have a very addictive personality... if its not booze it is people or things... I feel like it is time to 'clean house' and remove some of the 'clutter'.  

I did a very selfish and stupid thing the other day... it has had serious repercussions for me. This I will share at a later time it is not for today... but it has opened my eyes to the severity of my addictions and my need to make some more changes... and in all honesty my need for serious help.

Leaving facebook is much needed and way overdue... I have contemplated deactivating my account for a long time... and I have taken breaks which ended up being extremely short and useless. I hope people really believe that this decision was not due to any comments on my posts. It is strictly something I know I need to do for ME... 

On the alcohol addiction front... I am about 3 weeks away from being sober for 2 years. A milestone I never thought I would reach... BUT I find my thinking going to alcohol way too often and entertaining the idea of just one drink... no one needs to know... and all the other thoughts that come with it. I find myself thinking that it is just a matter of time before I go back to my old ways. This is scary & very dangerous thinking. IF there is one thing I learned in treatment it is the fact that when you start thinking 'its only a matter of time before I fail' it WILL BE only a matter of time before I fail. I do not want to fail at this!

I have faced some crap in the past 3 years that I really was not prepared to deal with. I continue to face crap... stuff brought on by my actions/choices and stuff brought on by other peoples actions/choices. There is more to face and deal with. In this 'realization' I have come to terms with something about myself... I am an addict!!!  If its not booze it is going to be something else... and at this point I realize it is a person... a relationship/situation I have not been able to let go of. How does facebook play a part in this situation? Well, I am constantly reminded by different quotes and things that I read that I lost someone I loved very deeply and I find myself rehashing it and trying to figure out 'what happened' and the 'whys' of it all... there are no answers to be found... only the thought that I am not good enough and that there must be something wrong with me... regardless of what the 'truth' is... I am stuck... stuck in a place of pain that I no longer want to be stuck in!!!  

Here are a few things I want you to know about me... I have a fragile heart and it is easily damaged. I am sensitive (way too much most of the time). I am careful who I let in and I am careful to not give too much away... I love deeply and forever... I forgive easily (I know how quickly and easily God forgives me... I have no choice but to react that same way). I want to fix things for people and it is usually way out of my control to do so and this has an affect on me that I can't explain. I am also NOT afraid to share the 'real me' any more!! I am not afraid to admit my failures and shortcomings... I am not afraid to admit I am a sinner and what my sins are... sins brought out of the darkness bring healing and forgiveness.

Hidden sins remain...

FYI:  If you intend to follow me and read my blog I must WARN you.... you will most likely encounter swear words at points of time... I know most people don't understand this but I am telling you now it is part of who I am and I will not apologize for it. When GOD deals with me on this issue I will let you know... I would love to get comments and have some interaction on here... I will try not to get offended and try not to offend.