Big Book: page 69... "We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it."
I don't know how you 'the reader' feels about this paragraph but for me it's a very difficult one to put into action... writing down all your defects... taking a moral inventory... listing the good things about yourself if you can even begin to see what those things are... so how does one REALLY accomplish this goal honestly and effectively???? I am still looking for the answer to this question!
When I go to bed at night and my mind starts to quiet I think about my day... review the things that happened and wonder where I was resentful, selfish, dishonest, afraid, hopeless, angry, self seeking, hateful,... this list goes on and on. What could I have done better? Do I owe apologies? What am I still keeping to myself that I should share with another person? What could I have done better? Most often I make my review and decide what I could have done different... I seek God's forgiveness and ask for direction from Him.
When I awake in the mornings I think about the 24 hours ahead (I try very very hard to just focus on today but it doesn't always work that way for me) another fault I need to continue to work on. As I consider my plans for the day (do I work... am I off & what can I do to get things accomplished at home... is there someone I can visit with whom I can encourage and find encouragement... how do I fit others into my day when I just want to be alone? I ask God to direct my thinking. I want to be free of so many of the things that weigh me down... self pity, self seeking behavior!!! I long for my thinking to be free from wrong motives. I long for answers that I don't feel I am getting... I long for answers to my whys & what ifs.
I feel so completely exhausted most of the time... I get plenty of sleep (usually a very good sleep) occasionally my sleep is disrupted by horrible dreams and as of lately dreams of drinking... I long for a job that pays well & allows me to have health/retirement benefits without a physically exhausting labor... I long for a quiet - peaceful mind... I long for someone to share in all these things.
I would be lying if I said I don't think about drinking OFTEN... It has definitely lessened the amount of time that the thoughts come but they still come... when I am tired (which is so much of the time) and feeling let down or upset... the thoughts come... "just one drink - no one has to know - one drink to just numb yourself - just one drink"... I know where that ONE drink leads so I avoid it.... so then I think maybe it's just time to work the 12 steps again... go through my book, read the highlights and the notes, read my journals from treatment, look at my usage history and my goals, read the assignments the kids had to do in the family education and then just re-evaluate everything.
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