The 'whys' of drinking...

I drank a good part of 30 years… hard to believe when I came to that realization that it could really be true. 15-45… 30 years.  There were periods of time in between I didn't drink but honestly it was never more than a couple of months at a time… longest periods were during pregnancy but then it wasn't complete abstinence.

I really don’t know why I started drinking at 15. My life was pretty good. Had a good home and a good family. I know my parents loved me. Being 1 or 8 was part of it I suppose. Feeling a little like I didn't really matter. We were often told if I were going to drink we should drink at home. I don’t think this was approval to drink this was just a ‘safety’ precaution? Don’t drink and drive… don’t do stupid shit when you are drinking. Drinking at home was much safer I am sure. Some drinking I did at home but most was hidden.  I always felt like what I did really didn't matter one way or the other. I was just ok... no matter what happened.

I wonder if I had had the education about alcohol that my kids received in family treatment if I still would have chosen the things I did. Coming from an alcoholic family drinking was the last thing I should have done. I did not know my biological father but I do know from stories from numerous family members that he was an alcoholic. I knew my mom drank some when I was really little… not so much after we moved to Missouri. After moving to Missouri with my step dad… my DAD… My parents only drank on occasions… when they did though I have to say from memories they did it up good! I have some fond memories of my lovable dad having heart to hearts with the ‘dogs’ about how much he loved us all…. Memories of mom sick… oh man did she get sick after drinking… I did NOT get her gene… I should have!!

I think about the WHYS… what caused me to start in the first place… I think the fact that it didn't really seem to matter to anyone was the biggest thing but I LOVED it… loved the taste… loved the way it made me feel…. I was hooked from the first time…. After that it was just something I did and as stupid as it sounds it was something I was good at!! I felt inferior in a lot of ways…. I wasn't good at school… finding something you were good at was important…  It always made me feel ‘proud’ in a way when someone would say “I cannot believe how much you can drink and you don’t even seem like you have had that much” or “you are so little how can you drink so much”.

Now after I turned 23 and met Joe and married him… that is when things really changed… the drinking wasn't to be cool anymore or to prove something. Then it became a safety net… Joe was a much nicer man when he was drinking. It never made sense to me but he would mellow out and just be easy going… things didn't piss him off as easy… usually abusive men tend to be worse with booze… maybe if he drank harder stuff it would have been different? I hear whiskey doesn't mellow them out? We still stuck to beer, wine, tequila or vodka… or a little of each of them in one night. I pushed the booze… saved a lot of fighting!!  Without the alcohol there was too much chaos.  So after about 9 years of living like that one learns to depend on it. I think about our biggest fights… the ones where I end up with bruises or stitches… NO alcohol involved but most definitely his ‘little side business’ was the culprit. Some of you know what I am talking about…  this ‘little business’ ended up being the reason I left him and turned him in. There was a short period of time I was open to smoking the marijuana but it was very short lived… did NOT like that stuff at all. His little illegal business made him crazier than he was… I think had we not been so worried about getting caught and so suspicious… maybe we would have made it?  I don’t know… I just wonder. He did time for that ‘little business’ but I moved on without him.

So by this time it was too late for me in the drinking aspect of my life. I wanted to stop but it had such a hold on me. I am pretty sure that any one that KNEW me knew I was a drinker… I am also pretty sure by comments since I went to treatment that people didn’t really KNOW or didn't want to admit I had a problem. I was raising babies on my own… scared to death that something bad was going to happen after turning Joe in and him doing time and me taking his kids away from him… I lived a life of constant fear for my life and for the life of my kids for the next 10 years.

Drinking was still always a part of my life… even when I was broke I managed to get my booze. Something I am NOT proud of… friends and family loaned me money so many times I can’t even count so I could make ends meet but buying booze was always the reason I never had enough to make ends meet. God always provided!!!  People always came through!!  And I still screwed up!!! 

I love to say my kids were always first…. My kids came first…. That was true of everything but the alcohol…  I think I did a pretty good job raising my kids… pretty amazing actually for all they didn't have and for the things they missed out on. No dad and sometimes not much of a mom….

I stayed single all these years… that was one promise I made to God…. I would NOT repeat the relationship thing… I knew enough to know that it was highly in my favor to get right back into the same type of relationship (or worse) and I refused to do that to my kids. I knew too many women in my same position that were constantly moving from one man to another… one relationship to another… one abusive situation to another… I also knew the chances of my kids being abused would increase each time… I was smart enough to know the risks… I avoided them!!

So, in times of loneliness I drank… in times of shame I drank… when I was hurt I drank… pissed - I drank… happy – I drank….  In times of celebration or pain…. I drank. It was my way of coping. I hid in it…. But it just continually got harder and harder to keep it hidden and it just wasn't giving me what I needed any more….

It was good I had someone that I can be totally honest with and be myself with because she knew what to say… she always knows what to say!!  She helped me to realize where I was headed if I didn't stop…. What had been mostly just a mental thing was now becoming physical. I was sick all the time… stomach issues getting increasingly worse… not being able to eat was getting worse. Anxiety and stress were increasing… suicidal thoughts/feelings were increasing.

So now there was treatment… I have to say that was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life!!! Sitting in an evaluation was horrifying… being in withdrawal at the time was just a BONUS of horrifying!!  (Alcohol withdrawal was the worst thing I ever went through physically). Starting treatment was equally horrifying… I think I cried through my whole first night… I cried before going and I cried during and I cried after! The first few times were so intense… there were nights (family nights) that were soooo intense… my family times wasn't horrifying but it was tough to hear some of the things my kids had to say… but after getting into a routine and learning how it worked and having a counselor as awesome as the one I had I was NOT ready to be done at the end of it… it was scary leaving… thinking I wasn't going to make it without group and my counselor.  Well, I didn't make it long… barely 6 months!!  Moving to Missouri right after treatment was the wrong choice… well, maybe not? I learned that I love North Dakota… this IS my home. IF I had not moved to Missouri I would not have ended up with the apartment we have now and I really think I would have stayed in the job I was in which at the time was pretty toxic. Treatment the second time was NOT as scary… and I think I worked a little harder and took it more serious. Paying for 2 rounds of treatment was NOT nice!!  NO insurance…. Treatment is NOT cheap!!!! 

BUT now I am feeling so much better physically... sometimes mentally. Sometimes the mental part is still a struggle. Learning new coping skills has been tough… it’s easy to fall back into ‘old habits’.  It is most definitely a journey of “ONE DAY AT A TIME”. 

I think the things I am most thankful for today is a restored relationship with my kids, new found friendships (I have met and became friends with some amazing women through this journey) and the old friendships that have grown!! 

I am truly blessed!!!