A little 'drinking' history...

I started drinking when I was 15 yrs old. I did not drink real often just when I could get it… I really liked it.  From my first taste on I always liked it… the taste and the way it made me feel.  From 15-19 I drank a few times a month and usually just beer or wine coolers.  After turning 20 I knew more people I could get booze from so my intake increased a little more too about 6-7 times a month. 

When I turned 21… this is when it all changed!  I worked at Hillcrest Lanes (restaurant & bowling alley) as a cook.  My 21st birthday party was held at the Back Door Lounge… what a party!!  I remember people buying me drinks and me drinking them. My mom kept telling me I was going to get sick… ha ha… I should have told her then that I could drink pretty much anything I wanted to drink and mix pretty much anything I wanted and I felt fine and didn't get sick!!!  I drank a lot that night and from that night on I was pretty much a permanent fixture in that place!! 

From 21-22 I would be there 3-4 nights a week for sure… sometimes more…. Sometimes less…A normal night would include 3-6 beers, a mixed drink here and there and always a few shots… vodka and tequila were always ‘my’ choice.  After 22 though it increased to 4-5 nights a week… by the time I met Joe when I was 23 I was drinking 4-5 nights a week and drinking 5-7 beers, several mixed drinks, 3-4 shots (again tequila). 

My tolerance was increasing… I felt like I could drink A LOT before people could tell I was drunk and I very rarely got sick from it.  Headaches and stomach ache were the normal but rarely threw up.  There were many, many, many nights my folks drove all the way to Lamar to pick me up because I was too drunk to drive… oh yes… there were many nights I was drunk but still felt like I had enough control to drive myself… how scary huh??

When I was 23 I got married and we drank at home. We always had booze in the house. 24-26 yrs we drank at least 5 nights a week.  I rarely went to bed without having some drink. 6-8 beers or a few glasses of wine… shots of tequila was a pretty normal night… sometimes just beer…. Sometimes just wine… but almost always a shot or two to make me feel good.

The only time I didn't drink heavily was the time frame I had kids… I was drinking when I found out I was pregnant but cut way back during the pregnancies… not completely stopped… would have one now and then… usually just a little glass of wine… no shots..

When I was 30 I left Joe… this was in 1997… this was the last and final break. Moved to ND. Lived with Renee for about 6 months.  Did not drink during this time but after moving into our own apartment I started drinking again. In that first year I tried to pace myself… it was hard to buy it because I didn't always have enough money. BUT I always managed to get it when I wanted it. I would say in that next year I was right back to drinking the amounts I was drinking when I stopped at age 26. There was always a steady increase in tolerance so a little more booze was needed to reach the same affect I wanted. I would go through times where I tried to stop… I would cut back and allow myself only a certain amount but that didn't work… before long I would be right back where I left off and then more. By the time I was 39 I was drinking at least 5-6 nights a week 6-8 beers, couple glasses of wine, shots of tequila. Tolerance was very high… and my ability to mix drinks was still in full force. I knew I was in trouble when I started drinking the tequila by the bottle…  My drinking increased heavily after my dad died in Dec 2011. Now we are talking feeling sick… throwing up… passing out… not remembering.

With the help of my trusted friend, Linda pushing me to seek help… I called Heartview and got an appointment with Brenda for an evaluation.  I was going through withdrawals when I was doing my evaluation (withdrawal is by far worse than any drunken state I had been in). I started intensive outpatient treatment in May 2012. Went through treatment 3 months/3 nights a week/3 hrs a night. Finished treatment in July 2012 and moved to Missouri the end of July.  Kept my job here in ND (worked remotely) and flew back once in a while to work. Started drinking again in Sept. while working in ND.  First night was just a couple of beers and the next I don’t even remember what I drank, where we went or how I got back to my bed at Elaine’s… I do however remember feeling worthless… feeling like a failure and knowing that this was not going to be an easy road.  I started sneaking beer here and there so the kids wouldn't see me drinking. I knew this was not going to change but only get worse so I moved BACK to ND and planned to start treatment at Heartview a second time.

The last night I drank (Nov 11 or 12, 2012) I do not remember much of that night at all… I drank at home… in my bedroom… in hiding… I had a 1.75 of Tequila Silver…. This was a Sunday night… started drinking on Sat. night… had just a few shots. Was hiding it of course because I didn't want the kids to know.  Finished the bottle off on Sunday night…. I remember calling and talking to Linda but I really don’t remember much after that.  I woke up Monday morning… this is what I saw… phone on my bed (that was unusual… the base was on my night stand and I always hang it up) open (empty bottle of tequila on my bathroom sink, open bottle of sleeping pills (pills still in them) on my bed….

 

I made a phone call to Linda that night… guessing after I polished off the bottle… I don’t remember it but the next day she told me I had told her I couldn't do this anymore… somewhere in the conversation I hung up one her… NOT something I would normally do… not sure why but she says I did… I know from what I saw when I woke up that I was in a desperate place… the pills were still in the bottle so I know I didn't take any (or maybe not too many) but the idea that I planned to was enough for me… I remember feeling worthless… like I failed again… and so tired of feeling this way. There have been several times in my life I wanted it to just STOP!!  I wanted the pain to just STOP…. I wanted the heartache to just STOP!!! I don’t WANT to die but I want things to JUST STOP!!  I passed out that night and I cannot remember most of what happened… to me this was the final blow…. This was the confirming idea that I was out of control and if I continued this way my life was going to end up in a real mess or my kids were going to end up without their mother. If I didn't change I knew I was going to die.

2^nd treatment was the same… intensive outpatient 3 months/3 nights a wk/3 hrs a night. I actually ended up doing 4 months I think… wasn't ready to leave treatment… went into aftercare treatment for 5 months.  Visited treatment off and on when I felt like I needed it. I am so thankful for Brenda… my counselor all 3 groups…. My friend now!!  I met a lot of people that I came to admire in treatment… one of those is Roberta… from first group… still friends and what an amazing and encouraging woman she is!!!

I have to say through ALL of this one question I have been asked by far the most is this: 

“Was it really that bad?” 

My question is “HOW BAD DOES IT HAVE TO BE FOR ONE TO SEEK TREATMENT?” 

            

If you drink and you drink often and you drink a lot my guess is there is an issue that you need to look at.  Alcoholics don’t always fit the ‘norm’ or what people ‘expect’ of them….

for example.

I would guess that the vast majority of the time I drank most people would not even be able to tell I had been drinking or that I was drunk. I held down a job almost the entire time I was drinking… rarely missed work due to alcohol… had NO legal trouble because of it… never had DUI though I am ashamed to say I should have several times!!  I maintained a home for my kids…. Not perfect but they were taken care of… their needs were met. With the exception of the Back Door Lounge I hardly ever went out to drink.  Did drink with meals when I would go out for supper if it was available. 

There are a lot of reasons I felt shame… mostly because I felt like it was out of my control… once I started there was no stopping. I even was to the point where I would drink before going to work… just a little to get my day going… there were several times I drank before going to church!!  How sick is that???  I would have a drink before going to any family gatherings or events. IF I was around people who I knew liked to drink and approved of me drinking I was in my glory… how sick is that??

 

Was it REALLY that bad??? How bad do you have to be???? 

If you drink and there is a history of alcoholism in your families you are at risk…. If you drink and your tolerance is increasing and you can’t control your intake you have a problem!!  If people would realize that it doesn't take much to be ‘that bad’. 

When I look back NOW here is what I see…. I was always sick… I had stomach issues for as long as I can remember. Pretty sure most of it was due to drinking… some of it is due to anxiety/stress but mostly due to the booze. Since I have been clean for 2 yrs now I do not have the same stomach problems.  Stress/anxiety bring on stomach aches but it’s not quite the same.  I am healthier now… gained weight… I can actually eat almost like normal… I am happier (less stress/anxiety)… my relationship with my kids is so much better.  They are my rocks… they keep me going… they are my greatest encouragers!!!  There are still things I need to work on and address… I am far from being where I need to be!!

I still struggle with heartache and pain… not always handled in good ways… no booze but other bad habits crop up. It’s a work in progress…. It’s ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Will share more of the 'feelings/thoughts' behind the drinking at a later time.