Is this the end? or only the beginning?

The second chance
I never thought I'd get

The question is
Will I do something with it
Or spend my days
Lost in my regret

This is the story of my life
I get to decide
How the rest is gonna read
This is my chance between the lines
To redefine what kind of legacy I leave
This is the story of my life
And it's a story worth telling

Breathe in deep
Feel my heart still breathing
Let's go see the reason I am still alive
Oh, I am here
and love is up to something
So taking my fear
and leave it all behind

This is the story of my life
I get to decide
How the rest is gonna read
This is my chance between the lines
To redefine what kind of legacy I will leave
This is the story of my life
And it's a story worth telling

This is the joy
And it's the pain
And all the pages in between
My finest hour
My weakest moment
It where I have been
It's where I am 
It's where I am going

This is the story of my life
I decide
How the rest is gonna read
This is my chance between the lines
To redefine the kind of legacy I will leave
This is the story of my life
Go tell the story of your life
Cause it's a story worth telling
It's worth telling

Is this the end?
Or only the beginning?

this IS the BEGINNING....... The story of my life!!!

Some of Matthew West's music has had an impact on me this week.... "The Reason of the World"  -  "The Story of Your Life"  -  "Waitin' on a Miracle"  -  "The Healing Has Begun"

strong enough????

Change is most often painful... I feel like I have a lot of change coming... pretty sure its not going to be an easy road.

BUT I am reminded...  I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.... 

it is time to 'clean house' and remove some of the 'clutter'...

I have come to realize I have a very addictive personality... if its not booze it is people or things... I feel like it is time to 'clean house' and remove some of the 'clutter'.  

I did a very selfish and stupid thing the other day... it has had serious repercussions for me. This I will share at a later time it is not for today... but it has opened my eyes to the severity of my addictions and my need to make some more changes... and in all honesty my need for serious help.

Leaving facebook is much needed and way overdue... I have contemplated deactivating my account for a long time... and I have taken breaks which ended up being extremely short and useless. I hope people really believe that this decision was not due to any comments on my posts. It is strictly something I know I need to do for ME... 

On the alcohol addiction front... I am about 3 weeks away from being sober for 2 years. A milestone I never thought I would reach... BUT I find my thinking going to alcohol way too often and entertaining the idea of just one drink... no one needs to know... and all the other thoughts that come with it. I find myself thinking that it is just a matter of time before I go back to my old ways. This is scary & very dangerous thinking. IF there is one thing I learned in treatment it is the fact that when you start thinking 'its only a matter of time before I fail' it WILL BE only a matter of time before I fail. I do not want to fail at this!

I have faced some crap in the past 3 years that I really was not prepared to deal with. I continue to face crap... stuff brought on by my actions/choices and stuff brought on by other peoples actions/choices. There is more to face and deal with. In this 'realization' I have come to terms with something about myself... I am an addict!!!  If its not booze it is going to be something else... and at this point I realize it is a person... a relationship/situation I have not been able to let go of. How does facebook play a part in this situation? Well, I am constantly reminded by different quotes and things that I read that I lost someone I loved very deeply and I find myself rehashing it and trying to figure out 'what happened' and the 'whys' of it all... there are no answers to be found... only the thought that I am not good enough and that there must be something wrong with me... regardless of what the 'truth' is... I am stuck... stuck in a place of pain that I no longer want to be stuck in!!!  

Here are a few things I want you to know about me... I have a fragile heart and it is easily damaged. I am sensitive (way too much most of the time). I am careful who I let in and I am careful to not give too much away... I love deeply and forever... I forgive easily (I know how quickly and easily God forgives me... I have no choice but to react that same way). I want to fix things for people and it is usually way out of my control to do so and this has an affect on me that I can't explain. I am also NOT afraid to share the 'real me' any more!! I am not afraid to admit my failures and shortcomings... I am not afraid to admit I am a sinner and what my sins are... sins brought out of the darkness bring healing and forgiveness.

Hidden sins remain...

FYI:  If you intend to follow me and read my blog I must WARN you.... you will most likely encounter swear words at points of time... I know most people don't understand this but I am telling you now it is part of who I am and I will not apologize for it. When GOD deals with me on this issue I will let you know... I would love to get comments and have some interaction on here... I will try not to get offended and try not to offend.  

Back to the 12 Steps...

Big Book: page 69... "We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it."

I don't know how you 'the reader' feels about this paragraph but for me it's a very difficult one to put into action... writing down all your defects... taking a moral inventory... listing the good things about yourself if you can even begin to see what those things are... so how does one REALLY accomplish this goal honestly and effectively????  I am still looking for the answer to this question!

When I go to bed at night and my mind starts to quiet I think about my day... review the things that happened and wonder where I was resentful, selfish, dishonest, afraid, hopeless, angry, self seeking, hateful,... this list goes on and on. What could I have done better? Do I owe apologies? What am I still keeping to myself that I should share with another person? What could I have done better? Most often I make my review and decide what I could have done different... I seek God's forgiveness and ask for direction from Him.

When I awake in the mornings I think about the 24 hours ahead (I try very very hard to just focus on today but it doesn't always work that way for me) another fault I need to continue to work on. As I consider my plans for the day (do I work... am I off & what can I do to get things accomplished at home... is there someone I can visit with whom I can encourage and find encouragement... how do I fit others into my day when I just want to be alone? I ask God to direct my thinking. I want to be free of so many of the things that weigh me down... self pity, self seeking behavior!!! I long for my thinking to be free from wrong motives. I long for answers that I don't feel I am getting... I long for answers to my whys & what ifs. 

I feel so completely exhausted most of the time... I get plenty of sleep (usually a very good sleep) occasionally my sleep is disrupted by horrible dreams and as of lately dreams of drinking... I long for a job that pays well & allows me to have health/retirement benefits without a physically exhausting labor... I long for a quiet - peaceful mind... I long for someone to share in all these things.

I would be lying if I said I don't think about drinking OFTEN... It has definitely lessened the amount of time that the thoughts come but they still come... when I am tired (which is so much of the time) and feeling let down or upset... the thoughts come... "just one drink - no one has to know - one drink to just numb yourself - just one drink"... I know where that ONE drink leads so I avoid it.... so then I think maybe it's just time to work the 12 steps again... go through my book, read the highlights and the notes, read my journals from treatment, look at my usage history and my goals, read the assignments the kids had to do in the family education and then just re-evaluate everything.  

Walking through Grief

I guess it is time to write again... I have a lot of thoughts going through my head and they just won't leave me alone so time to put them down in writing... this writing is about GRIEF and what it means to me.

Definition of grief: Keen mental suffering or distress of affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret... in this instance keen is defined as sharp or penetrating.  So grief is sharp and penetrating mental suffering or distress of affliction or loss... sharp sorrow, painful regret.

Many years ago... back in 1998 I was in a bookstore... I'm sure at that time it was the Rainbow Shop (Parable Christian Store) but I am not certain of the store... but very certain of the book that stood out to me... I guess I have often said it "jumped off the shelf"... it was at that time a life saving thing for me. At that time I was recently divorced - living 1000 miles from my home - raising 2 babies on my own - and feeling like my whole world had just fallen apart. The book? Fresh Start by Thomas Whiteman, PH.D. and Randy Petersen. The subject? Overcoming grief. Somewhere along the way I accepted and overcame that particular loss... I am so thankful for that book. I loaned it to someone years ago and never got it back. I am hoping someone received help and comfort from those pages.

I recently ran across it at Amazon... bought it (really cheap) and have since read it again... This book is about a fresh start... a fresh start after a loss of a loved one, loss of relationship, loss of job, loss of a church/church family... the list goes on... there really are no limits to grief and to why a person decides they need a fresh start.

Here are the Fresh Start principles:
#1: Rely on God, but take responsibility for you own wholeness.
#2: The healing process involves stages.
#3: Healing takes time.
#4: Healing is a slippery slope.
#5: Forgiveness is essential but elusive.
#6: Your view of yourself affects how you relate to others.
#7: Your healing can be helped or hurt by the company you keep.
#8: You complete your fresh start by helping others.

I have to be honest I do not know where I am on this new journey. After almost 3 years of treatment and recovery I still find myself healing and I am so tired of being in this stage. The loss of alcohol has been extremely painful. I know this sounds quite stupid but let me say it is nonetheless true! Alcohol was my escape... from many things but mostly from feeling... this was my coping mechanism... this was my comfort!! It has been painful learning to cope without it and to learn new coping skills in the process of this loss. Yes... LOSS... the death of a loved one is so comparable... I know because I suffered a major loss 2 1/2 years ago when my dad died... this was tragic... his was the first major loss I have experienced to death besides grandparents and aunts & uncles. After all this time it still doesn't feel 'real' to me. Then there was the loss of a job that I loved... it was a very unhealthy place for me and my sobriety so I had to get out of it... another major and painful loss... and then there is Mitch. Why am I still hung up on him and this dream of what could have been? I ask myself this question repeatedly... I feel like this is beyond my ability to just let go of... why? Well, I guess I still believe I heard from God that this was the man I prayed for... was it really God? I don't know any more... I do question it. It was something I truly believed and I felt like he believed it too... I believe God spoke to his heart too that this was a God thing and then he just bailed on me (on us) on me & God!  And all I can say at this point is it is unresolved in my heart. So... here I am at a point in my life where I needed to read this book again. I need to ponder the 8 principles. I am, I believe, in that slippery slope.... trying & wanting to get up on the side of Acceptance & Forgiveness. 

Here is an image of the slippery slope: ps... I made this using paint.net so its not a perfect copy from the book ;-) 

so I feel I am somewhere either in the depression stage or rising up the acceptance & forgiveness side of this deep pit! I am tired... exhausted is a better word... ready for another FRESH START!!  

The grieving process... how long will it take? Well, it is different for every person and different for every situation. Time heals. If you have been injured, whether it be physically or emotionally it takes time to heal properly. My prayer is that I come out with a new understanding of myself. That I find balance in my life. And that some how I can help someone else through their grief and struggles. 

God doesn't use us in spite of our down times but because of them.

If you are struggling in any area where you feel you need a fresh start... if you need to work through the grieving process for any reason I highly recommend this book... If you just want more info on each of the principle just let me know... I have been thinking about doing a in depth study of these principles... so questions are welcomed!!! 

thanks for reading!!

I don't think pain goes away...

I don’t think pain goes away. I think we make room for it. With time, love forgiveness and healing, it eventually takes up less room. Not until then, are we able to fill up that space with a sense of peace and joy in our heart and soul.

-Brigitte Nicole

I so agree with this quote. I have known pain and I feel like what pain I have experienced I still have to some degree... but eventually other things fill that space and it becomes less and less but I am not convinced it goes away totally.

For example.. 

the loss of a loved one to death... the pain of that loss is there each time you think about that person. Does it get better... yes, because you learn to deal with that feeling of loss... you know they are gone and you know you can't have them back in this life but they are still gone and you still feel that pain. After almost 3 years I still miss my dad horribly and still feel the sting of that loss and still find it hard to believe he is gone. I can't imagine loosing a child... I imagine this is a pain you carry the rest of your life as a parent!!  

the loss of a loved one due to a failed marriage... felt the sting of that one too. It was one that I knew I needed to walk away from. My first love... even with the abusive situation I loved this man. I know he had issues and I know he could not overcome them on his own but I couldn't get him through them either. The help he needed he wouldn't admit to or accept. He has suffered a lot of losses to this issue and as far as I know is still dealing with this. Another failed marriage after ours... that is a pain you must carry always too... knowing you have issues but not having the courage to address them. In my case its a loss of a husband and a loss of my children's father. My kids feel this pain when they see families together and dad's loving on their kids... this is a pain that stings them down deep even though I know they would never say it to me. 

the loss of a loved one because they walked away... for whatever reason. I am sure knowing the reason would cause pain but NOT knowing the reason causes a hurt I can't even explain. Do I blame me? Yes, to some degree I do... Does he have issues?? Undoubtedly!!!  BUT does he feel the sting of that pain as well. I certainly like to think so and I certainly like to think he regrets his choice!!!  

there are a lot of 'what if's'  & 'what could have been' pains in a persons life and when something makes you stop and reflect on them you once again feel the sting of some pain.

there are so many different senerios that could be covered under this subject but I am saying all of this to make this point... pain is a part of life and there is really NO WAY to avoid it. Pain can make us grow and pain can make us see things in a different light. Pain should make us reach to our Lord and Savior if we really believe that He has our best in mind. I am a firm believer that God does not CAUSE our pain!!  God does not take our loved ones away from us... He does not cause anyone to have sickness... and He doesn't cause the pain... pain is a result of sin... pain is a result of others actions in some cases.  

Every choice we make has a result good or bad on someone!!!  We notice the bad more quickly... but do we do what needs to be done as a result of pain?  Do we choose to still love the Lord after feeling pain?  Do we choose to forgive the offender of our pain? Do we get up out of bed and live our life to the fullest after we have a major painful experience?  

What we do in our pain and with our pain is important to healing.... Life goes on in the midst of our most painful experiences!!!  

I feel free...

It has been quite some time since I blogged. I have not spent much of my time thinking about sobriety or alcohol or struggles.... I feel like I have finally succeeded in getting past some of this stuff that kept me bound up in turmoil. I haven't felt the 'urge to drink' in a long time... I haven't felt stressed enough to have those thoughts or maybe my thoughts just don't go there any more.

I finally feel free.... I am finally LIVING!!!

This month will mark 20 months sober. Something I am extremely proud of!!! I feel so much better both physically and mentally.

I took the plunge and completely stopped my depression and anxiety meds. I do NOT recommend this for just anyone... please be careful if you decide to do this!! I was taking 30mg of Lexapro for depression and 15mg of Buspirone for anxiety. Did they help? I think they served their purpose for a time. They helped me cope and get through the hardest part of my recovery... but I found myself feeling like I was in a constant fog... I truly felt like I was looking at my body from the outside... I felt like an outsider in my own skin... I had problems sleeping and concentrating... I felt 'dysfunctional'... I TRULY felt CRAZY!!! There are more things that went along with this... paranoia, mood swings, suicidal thoughts, & physical hunger (that wasn't satisfied).

I believe these meds can be good when a person needs them but for me as I said they served their purpose and it was time to be done with them. I wanted to have a clear mind. I wanted to know that my thoughts were MY thoughts and not altered for one reason or another. I wanted to feel different than I have for the past 30 years. My mind was altered for so long by alcohol that I think the meds were just a different version of that mind altering experience.

I decided to do this on my own... I didn't want to go through my Dr. or my psychologist (at heartview) because I knew what both of them were going to say...  Dr would say "I need information from heartview and we need to talk about this"... psychologist at heartview would say 'You should really continue with them for another year".  NO... this is my decision... I talked to a few people who I trust to give me honest feed back... I told my kids what I planned to do. Made sure they knew so that if something happened to me physically they would know what was going on. I read up on how to come off of them because I know it can cause serious problems and there would be withdrawal.  After reading numerous articles I decided to just taper off... gave myself a couple of weeks of 1/2 doses... then went to every other day for a couple more weeks... then went to skipping days until I felt like I 'needed' a fix.. took about 6 weeks total and I was finally off both of them.

I was so amazed at how much better my body felt even after a few weeks. But after the 6 weeks I was even more amazed how much clearer my mind was.. I felt like the 'fog lifted' and I cried less!! I am not much of a crier anyway but it seemed like I was bawling all the time about something!!  I was also gaining weight and was not happy about it... I know I am NOT fat but I truly don't want to get fat and I know too many people on lexapro that have weight issues. I had lost a lot of weight about 2 yrs ago.... right after treatment and moving to Missouri. I have since gained that weight back and then some.

I feel very healthy right now at this point in my life. I have a clear mind... I think it is pretty 'sound' ;-) I do not feel so CRAZY any more. I have not had stomach issues in over a year. I don't cry quite as easy as I did there for awhile and NO suicidal thoughts!!!

I have dealt with what I would consider a tremendous hurt or heartbreak... far more painful than anything I have experienced before. So what happened??  I still don't really know... he decided he was not ready... and I didn't get a say in the matter!!  I didn't get a warning or an explanation... I still try to reach out to him but it is really in vain.

Last night I had a good talk with the Lord... I have finally accepted that IF it was God then God has to continue the work He started... IF I heard wrong then I pray God shows me this fact and helps me to accept it. OR helps me to see the 'real purpose in it'. 

So... here it is.... this is me totally free of any mind altering substances.  Crazy??  maybe!!!  Is pain really a part of growth? Yes, I believe it is. Sometimes pain makes us look deeper inside and deal with things on a new level. I am okay with being alone... it is a comfortable place and I am satisfied at this point in my life. Would I take a chance on love again??  That my friends has been a tough question to answer... probably yes!! But hopefully I learned to not jump in with both feet!! I keep thinking that maybe this 'relationship' was just to show me that I could fall in love again and could trust someone again. I guess if that is "ALL" this was for then it was worth it.

Why did I share this?  well, I guess there are a few reasons.  #1: I am proud of my sobriety/recovery. I am very close to being clean 2 years! That my friends is a huge accomplishment for me!!!  #2: if there is just one person that reads this and feels encouraged to reach out to someone they let go or to look their depression/anxiety in the face and reach out for medical help then it is worth it.

Depression is such a serious thing and if you are living in that darkness you know there is NO WAY OUT on your own... you need Divine Intervention!!  BUT here is what I have learned... God is not always going to just pluck us out of that darkness... there are things we need to do... things we need to face and things we need take control of.  IF that means going to a medical Dr or a Psychologist for meds than DO IT!! You don't have to stay on meds forever... there are even some GREAT alternatives to meds... I am extremely impressed with my doTERRA oils and what they have done for me in the short time I have been using them... there are options people!! BUT sitting in that darkness is NOT the answer!!  Get out of there!!!! I think it starts by reaching out to someone you trust to say "this is where I am and I don't know how to get out"

Life has so much to offer us... even in the midst of despair... God has a plan!!!