Walking through Grief

I guess it is time to write again... I have a lot of thoughts going through my head and they just won't leave me alone so time to put them down in writing... this writing is about GRIEF and what it means to me.

Definition of grief: Keen mental suffering or distress of affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret... in this instance keen is defined as sharp or penetrating.  So grief is sharp and penetrating mental suffering or distress of affliction or loss... sharp sorrow, painful regret.

Many years ago... back in 1998 I was in a bookstore... I'm sure at that time it was the Rainbow Shop (Parable Christian Store) but I am not certain of the store... but very certain of the book that stood out to me... I guess I have often said it "jumped off the shelf"... it was at that time a life saving thing for me. At that time I was recently divorced - living 1000 miles from my home - raising 2 babies on my own - and feeling like my whole world had just fallen apart. The book? Fresh Start by Thomas Whiteman, PH.D. and Randy Petersen. The subject? Overcoming grief. Somewhere along the way I accepted and overcame that particular loss... I am so thankful for that book. I loaned it to someone years ago and never got it back. I am hoping someone received help and comfort from those pages.

I recently ran across it at Amazon... bought it (really cheap) and have since read it again... This book is about a fresh start... a fresh start after a loss of a loved one, loss of relationship, loss of job, loss of a church/church family... the list goes on... there really are no limits to grief and to why a person decides they need a fresh start.

Here are the Fresh Start principles:
#1: Rely on God, but take responsibility for you own wholeness.
#2: The healing process involves stages.
#3: Healing takes time.
#4: Healing is a slippery slope.
#5: Forgiveness is essential but elusive.
#6: Your view of yourself affects how you relate to others.
#7: Your healing can be helped or hurt by the company you keep.
#8: You complete your fresh start by helping others.

I have to be honest I do not know where I am on this new journey. After almost 3 years of treatment and recovery I still find myself healing and I am so tired of being in this stage. The loss of alcohol has been extremely painful. I know this sounds quite stupid but let me say it is nonetheless true! Alcohol was my escape... from many things but mostly from feeling... this was my coping mechanism... this was my comfort!! It has been painful learning to cope without it and to learn new coping skills in the process of this loss. Yes... LOSS... the death of a loved one is so comparable... I know because I suffered a major loss 2 1/2 years ago when my dad died... this was tragic... his was the first major loss I have experienced to death besides grandparents and aunts & uncles. After all this time it still doesn't feel 'real' to me. Then there was the loss of a job that I loved... it was a very unhealthy place for me and my sobriety so I had to get out of it... another major and painful loss... and then there is Mitch. Why am I still hung up on him and this dream of what could have been? I ask myself this question repeatedly... I feel like this is beyond my ability to just let go of... why? Well, I guess I still believe I heard from God that this was the man I prayed for... was it really God? I don't know any more... I do question it. It was something I truly believed and I felt like he believed it too... I believe God spoke to his heart too that this was a God thing and then he just bailed on me (on us) on me & God!  And all I can say at this point is it is unresolved in my heart. So... here I am at a point in my life where I needed to read this book again. I need to ponder the 8 principles. I am, I believe, in that slippery slope.... trying & wanting to get up on the side of Acceptance & Forgiveness. 

Here is an image of the slippery slope: ps... I made this using paint.net so its not a perfect copy from the book ;-) 

so I feel I am somewhere either in the depression stage or rising up the acceptance & forgiveness side of this deep pit! I am tired... exhausted is a better word... ready for another FRESH START!!  

The grieving process... how long will it take? Well, it is different for every person and different for every situation. Time heals. If you have been injured, whether it be physically or emotionally it takes time to heal properly. My prayer is that I come out with a new understanding of myself. That I find balance in my life. And that some how I can help someone else through their grief and struggles. 

God doesn't use us in spite of our down times but because of them.

If you are struggling in any area where you feel you need a fresh start... if you need to work through the grieving process for any reason I highly recommend this book... If you just want more info on each of the principle just let me know... I have been thinking about doing a in depth study of these principles... so questions are welcomed!!! 

thanks for reading!!

I don't think pain goes away...

I don’t think pain goes away. I think we make room for it. With time, love forgiveness and healing, it eventually takes up less room. Not until then, are we able to fill up that space with a sense of peace and joy in our heart and soul.

-Brigitte Nicole

I so agree with this quote. I have known pain and I feel like what pain I have experienced I still have to some degree... but eventually other things fill that space and it becomes less and less but I am not convinced it goes away totally.

For example.. 

the loss of a loved one to death... the pain of that loss is there each time you think about that person. Does it get better... yes, because you learn to deal with that feeling of loss... you know they are gone and you know you can't have them back in this life but they are still gone and you still feel that pain. After almost 3 years I still miss my dad horribly and still feel the sting of that loss and still find it hard to believe he is gone. I can't imagine loosing a child... I imagine this is a pain you carry the rest of your life as a parent!!  

the loss of a loved one due to a failed marriage... felt the sting of that one too. It was one that I knew I needed to walk away from. My first love... even with the abusive situation I loved this man. I know he had issues and I know he could not overcome them on his own but I couldn't get him through them either. The help he needed he wouldn't admit to or accept. He has suffered a lot of losses to this issue and as far as I know is still dealing with this. Another failed marriage after ours... that is a pain you must carry always too... knowing you have issues but not having the courage to address them. In my case its a loss of a husband and a loss of my children's father. My kids feel this pain when they see families together and dad's loving on their kids... this is a pain that stings them down deep even though I know they would never say it to me. 

the loss of a loved one because they walked away... for whatever reason. I am sure knowing the reason would cause pain but NOT knowing the reason causes a hurt I can't even explain. Do I blame me? Yes, to some degree I do... Does he have issues?? Undoubtedly!!!  BUT does he feel the sting of that pain as well. I certainly like to think so and I certainly like to think he regrets his choice!!!  

there are a lot of 'what if's'  & 'what could have been' pains in a persons life and when something makes you stop and reflect on them you once again feel the sting of some pain.

there are so many different senerios that could be covered under this subject but I am saying all of this to make this point... pain is a part of life and there is really NO WAY to avoid it. Pain can make us grow and pain can make us see things in a different light. Pain should make us reach to our Lord and Savior if we really believe that He has our best in mind. I am a firm believer that God does not CAUSE our pain!!  God does not take our loved ones away from us... He does not cause anyone to have sickness... and He doesn't cause the pain... pain is a result of sin... pain is a result of others actions in some cases.  

Every choice we make has a result good or bad on someone!!!  We notice the bad more quickly... but do we do what needs to be done as a result of pain?  Do we choose to still love the Lord after feeling pain?  Do we choose to forgive the offender of our pain? Do we get up out of bed and live our life to the fullest after we have a major painful experience?  

What we do in our pain and with our pain is important to healing.... Life goes on in the midst of our most painful experiences!!!  

I feel free...

It has been quite some time since I blogged. I have not spent much of my time thinking about sobriety or alcohol or struggles.... I feel like I have finally succeeded in getting past some of this stuff that kept me bound up in turmoil. I haven't felt the 'urge to drink' in a long time... I haven't felt stressed enough to have those thoughts or maybe my thoughts just don't go there any more.

I finally feel free.... I am finally LIVING!!!

This month will mark 20 months sober. Something I am extremely proud of!!! I feel so much better both physically and mentally.

I took the plunge and completely stopped my depression and anxiety meds. I do NOT recommend this for just anyone... please be careful if you decide to do this!! I was taking 30mg of Lexapro for depression and 15mg of Buspirone for anxiety. Did they help? I think they served their purpose for a time. They helped me cope and get through the hardest part of my recovery... but I found myself feeling like I was in a constant fog... I truly felt like I was looking at my body from the outside... I felt like an outsider in my own skin... I had problems sleeping and concentrating... I felt 'dysfunctional'... I TRULY felt CRAZY!!! There are more things that went along with this... paranoia, mood swings, suicidal thoughts, & physical hunger (that wasn't satisfied).

I believe these meds can be good when a person needs them but for me as I said they served their purpose and it was time to be done with them. I wanted to have a clear mind. I wanted to know that my thoughts were MY thoughts and not altered for one reason or another. I wanted to feel different than I have for the past 30 years. My mind was altered for so long by alcohol that I think the meds were just a different version of that mind altering experience.

I decided to do this on my own... I didn't want to go through my Dr. or my psychologist (at heartview) because I knew what both of them were going to say...  Dr would say "I need information from heartview and we need to talk about this"... psychologist at heartview would say 'You should really continue with them for another year".  NO... this is my decision... I talked to a few people who I trust to give me honest feed back... I told my kids what I planned to do. Made sure they knew so that if something happened to me physically they would know what was going on. I read up on how to come off of them because I know it can cause serious problems and there would be withdrawal.  After reading numerous articles I decided to just taper off... gave myself a couple of weeks of 1/2 doses... then went to every other day for a couple more weeks... then went to skipping days until I felt like I 'needed' a fix.. took about 6 weeks total and I was finally off both of them.

I was so amazed at how much better my body felt even after a few weeks. But after the 6 weeks I was even more amazed how much clearer my mind was.. I felt like the 'fog lifted' and I cried less!! I am not much of a crier anyway but it seemed like I was bawling all the time about something!!  I was also gaining weight and was not happy about it... I know I am NOT fat but I truly don't want to get fat and I know too many people on lexapro that have weight issues. I had lost a lot of weight about 2 yrs ago.... right after treatment and moving to Missouri. I have since gained that weight back and then some.

I feel very healthy right now at this point in my life. I have a clear mind... I think it is pretty 'sound' ;-) I do not feel so CRAZY any more. I have not had stomach issues in over a year. I don't cry quite as easy as I did there for awhile and NO suicidal thoughts!!!

I have dealt with what I would consider a tremendous hurt or heartbreak... far more painful than anything I have experienced before. So what happened??  I still don't really know... he decided he was not ready... and I didn't get a say in the matter!!  I didn't get a warning or an explanation... I still try to reach out to him but it is really in vain.

Last night I had a good talk with the Lord... I have finally accepted that IF it was God then God has to continue the work He started... IF I heard wrong then I pray God shows me this fact and helps me to accept it. OR helps me to see the 'real purpose in it'. 

So... here it is.... this is me totally free of any mind altering substances.  Crazy??  maybe!!!  Is pain really a part of growth? Yes, I believe it is. Sometimes pain makes us look deeper inside and deal with things on a new level. I am okay with being alone... it is a comfortable place and I am satisfied at this point in my life. Would I take a chance on love again??  That my friends has been a tough question to answer... probably yes!! But hopefully I learned to not jump in with both feet!! I keep thinking that maybe this 'relationship' was just to show me that I could fall in love again and could trust someone again. I guess if that is "ALL" this was for then it was worth it.

Why did I share this?  well, I guess there are a few reasons.  #1: I am proud of my sobriety/recovery. I am very close to being clean 2 years! That my friends is a huge accomplishment for me!!!  #2: if there is just one person that reads this and feels encouraged to reach out to someone they let go or to look their depression/anxiety in the face and reach out for medical help then it is worth it.

Depression is such a serious thing and if you are living in that darkness you know there is NO WAY OUT on your own... you need Divine Intervention!!  BUT here is what I have learned... God is not always going to just pluck us out of that darkness... there are things we need to do... things we need to face and things we need take control of.  IF that means going to a medical Dr or a Psychologist for meds than DO IT!! You don't have to stay on meds forever... there are even some GREAT alternatives to meds... I am extremely impressed with my doTERRA oils and what they have done for me in the short time I have been using them... there are options people!! BUT sitting in that darkness is NOT the answer!!  Get out of there!!!! I think it starts by reaching out to someone you trust to say "this is where I am and I don't know how to get out"

Life has so much to offer us... even in the midst of despair... God has a plan!!!

8 Things to Remember When Everything Goes Wrong

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF 

Here are a few reminders to help motivate you when you need it most:

1.  Pain is part of growing.

Sometimes life closes doors because it’s time to move forward.  And that’s a good thing because we often won’t move unless circumstances force us to.  When times are tough, remind yourself that no pain comes without a purpose.  Move on from what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you.  Just because you’re struggling doesn't mean you’re failing.  Every great success requires some type of worthy struggle to get there.  Good things take time.  Stay patient and stay positive.  Everything is going to come together; maybe not immediately, but eventually.

Remember that there are two kinds of pain: pain that hurts and pain that changes you.  When you roll with life, instead of resisting it, both kinds help you grow.

2.  Everything in life is temporary.

Every time it rains, it stops raining.  Every time you get hurt, you heal.  After darkness there is always light – you are reminded of this every morning, but still you often forget, and instead choose to believe that the night will last forever.  It won’t.  Nothing lasts forever.

So if things are good right now, enjoy it.  It won’t last forever.  If things are bad, don’t worry because it won’t last forever either.  Just because life isn't easy at the moment, doesn't mean you can’t laugh.  Just because something is bothering you, doesn't mean you can’t smile.  Every moment gives you a new beginning and a new ending.  You get a second chance, every second.  You just have to take it and make the best of it.  (Read The Last Lecture.)

3.  Worrying and complaining changes nothing.

Those who complain the most, accomplish the least.  It’s always better to attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed.  It’s not over if you've lost; it’s over when you do nothing but complain about it.  If you believe in something, keep trying.  Don’t let the shadows of the past darken the doorstep of your future.  Spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any brighter.  Take action instead.  Let what you've learned improve how you live.  Make a change and never look back.

And regardless of what happens in the long run, remember that true happiness begins to arrive only when you stop complaining about your problems and you start being grateful for all the problems you don’t have.

4.  Your scars are symbols of your strength.

Don’t ever be ashamed of the scars life has left you with.  A scar means the hurt is over and the wound is closed.  It means you conquered the pain, learned a lesson, grew stronger, and moved forward.  A scar is the tattoo of a triumph to be proud of.  Don’t allow your scars to hold you hostage.  Don’t allow them to make you live your life in fear.  You can’t make the scars in your life disappear, but you can change the way you see them.  You can start seeing your scars as a sign of strength and not pain.

Rumi once said, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most powerful characters in this great world are seared with scars.  See your scars as a sign of “YES!  I MADE IT!  I survived and I have my scars to prove it!  And now I have a chance to grow even stronger.”

5.  Every little struggle is a step forward.

In life, patience is not about waiting; it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard on your dreams, knowing that the work is worth it.  So if you’re going to try, put in the time and go all the way.  Otherwise, there’s no point in starting.  This could mean losing stability and comfort for a while, and maybe even your mind on occasion.  It could mean not eating what, or sleeping where, you’re used to, for weeks on end.  It could mean stretching your comfort zone so thin it gives you a nonstop case of the chills.  It could mean sacrificing relationships and all that’s familiar.  It could mean accepting ridicule from your peers.  It could mean lots of time alone in solitude.  Solitude, though, is the gift that makes great things possible.  It gives you the space you need.  Everything else is a test of your determination, of how much you really want it.

And if you want it, you’ll do it, despite failure and rejection and the odds.  And every step will feel better than anything else you can imagine.  You will realize that the struggle is not found on the path, it is the path.  And it’s worth it.  So if you’re going to try, go all the way.  There’s no better feeling in the world… there’s no better feeling than knowing what it means to be ALIVE.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Goals and Success” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

6.  Other people’s negativity is not your problem.

Be positive when negativity surrounds you.  Smile when others try to bring you down.  It’s an easy way to maintain your enthusiasm and focus.  When other people treat you poorly, keep being you.  Don’t ever let someone else’s bitterness change the person you are.  You can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of you.  They do things because of them.

Above all, don’t ever change just to impress someone who says you’re not good enough.  Change because it makes you a better person and leads you to a brighter future.  People are going to talk regardless of what you do or how well you do it.  So worry about yourself before you worry about what others think.  If you believe strongly in something, don’t be afraid to fight for it.  Great strength comes from overcoming what others think is impossible.

All jokes aside, your life only comes around once.  This is IT.  So do what makes you happy and be with whoever makes you smile, often.

7.  What’s meant to be will eventually, BE.

True strength comes when you have so much to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and appreciate your life instead.  There are blessings hidden in every struggle you face, but you have to be willing to open your heart and mind to see them.  You can’t force things to happen.  You can only drive yourself crazy trying.  At some point you have to let go and let what’s meant to be, BE.

In the end, loving your life is about trusting your intuition, taking chances, losing and finding happiness, cherishing the memories, and learning through experience.  It’s a long-term journey.  You have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting every step of the way.  Laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds.  You might not end up exactly where you intended to go, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be.  (Read A New Earth.)

8.  The best thing you can do is to keep going.

Don’t be afraid to get back up – to try again, to love again, to live again, and to dream again.  Don’t let a hard lesson harden your heart.  Life’s best lessons are often learned at the worst times and from the worst mistakes.  There will be times when it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong.  And you might feel like you will be stuck in this rut forever, but you won’t.  When you feel like quitting, remember that sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right.  Sometimes you have to go through the worst, to arrive at your best.

Yes, life is tough, but you are tougher.  Find the strength to laugh every day.  Find the courage to feel different, yet beautiful.  Find it in your heart to make others smile too.  Don’t stress over things you can’t change.  Live simply.  Love generously.  Speak truthfully.  Work diligently.  And even if you fall short, keep going.  Keep growing.

Awake every morning and do your best to follow this daily TO-DO list:

1. Think positively.
2. Eat healthy.
3. Exercise today.
4. Worry less.
5. Work hard.
6. Laugh often.
7. Sleep well.

Repeat…

The floor is yours…

What helps you stay motivated when you’re struggling?  What’s something positive you try to keep in mind when everything seems to be going wrong?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

5 Things You Should Know About Letting Go

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF 

Even after you let go, the past is still part of who you are.  Every one of us lives in the present and makes choices based on some part of the past.  This fact is simply unavoidable.  You are only able to read these words right now because of your past.  Your brain relates past experiences (or learned knowledge) to these words.

All forms of learning rely on your ability to continually reference the past.  If you think about it, many wise decisions you have made leading to this very moment were created through recalling what did or did not work in the past.  You are only able to do what you can now because of what you learned.  For instance, you only recognize a friend when she walks into the room because you reference a past connection with her.  In this way, you are using the past effectively.

But when you start behaving ineffectively because you think, “this is the way it has always been,” problems arise.  Old traditions may be useful, or they may stifle your progress and growth.  It all depends on how relevant they are to the present.  It’s your job to make this determination.

We talk about letting go of the past and moving on, but what do we really need to leave behind?  Since the past helps us at least as much as it hurts us, how do we know which pieces to discard?

Here are some things I have learned that have helped me:

1.  You are subconsciously matching patterns from the past with the present.

When an experience in your life has emotional significance, it gets tagged in your brain as being important.  When the emotional experience is tragic, it triggers your brain’s fear mechanism, which tells your brain to remain on the lookout for any future conditions that vaguely remind you of this tragic experience (it does this to protect you from future harm).  Your brain then tries to match new experiences with the original one.  But depending on how emotionally attached you are to the original experience, it can lead to ‘false pattern matches’ which will inevitably lead you astray.

For example:

• A muscular man assaulted you, so now you find it hard to trust all muscular men.
• An old boss verbally harassed you, so now you have trouble respecting a totally new boss or different authoritative figure.
• Etc.

Again, these false pattern matches occur whenever you respond negatively and over-emotionally to a particular experience.  And it all happens subconsciously too.  Logically, you know that all muscular men are completely different human beings, but emotionally you respond as if they are one.

If you feel that you are stuck because you can’t move beyond a past experience, then your brain is relating to it as if it’s still happening right now, which means it’s matching patterns improperly in the present.  Here’s a two-step solution that might help:

1. Ask yourself:  “What specific past experience and associated feelings do my current feelings remind me of?”  Dig deep and be honest with yourself.
2. Once you have determined the origin of your current feelings, list all the ways your current circumstances differs from the past (the original experience) – this should include the places, people, and details that caused you pain and discomfort.  Review the differences over and over again until you have them completely memorized.  This should help you realize and remember that circumstances have indeed changed.  (ReadThinking, Fast and Slow.)

2.  Your subconscious mind forgets that your capabilities have grown.

Zookeepers typically strap a thin metal chain to a grown elephant’s leg, and then attach the other end to a small wooden peg that’s hammered into the ground.  The 10-foot tall, 10,000-pound elephant could easily snap the chain and uproot the wooden peg, and escape to freedom with minimal effort.  But it doesn’t.  In fact the elephant never even tries.  The world’s most powerful land animal, which can uproot a tree as easily as you could break a toothpick, remains defeated by a small wooden peg and a flimsy chain.

Why?

Because when the elephant was a baby, its trainers used the exact same methods to domesticate it.  A thin chain was strapped around its leg and the other end of the chain was tied to a wooden peg in the ground.  At the time, the chain and peg were strong enough to restrain the baby elephant.  When it tried to break away, the metal chain would pull it back.  Sometimes, tempted by the world it could see in the distance, the elephant would pull harder.  But the chain would not budge, and soon the baby elephant realized trying to escape was not possible.  So it stopped trying.

And now that the elephant is all grown up, it sees the chain and the peg and it remembers what it learned as a baby – the chain and peg are impossible to escape.  Of course, this is no longer true, but it doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter that the 200-pound baby is now a 10,000 pound powerhouse.  The elephant’s self-limiting beliefs prevail.

If you think about it, we are all like elephants.  We all have incredible power inside us.  And of course, we have our own chains and pegs – the self-limiting beliefs that hold us back.  Sometimes it’s a childhood experience or an early failure.  Sometimes it’s something we were told when we were younger.  We need to learn from the past, but be ready to update what we learned based on how our circumstances have changed (as they constantly do).

Here are two things to consider:

• If you suspect you are currently living your life (or parts of it) through the conditioning of self-limiting beliefs you developed in the past, remind yourself of what is different now in terms of circumstances and your own capabilities.  What has changed?
• Examine what you have learned from past adversity that can actually help you now.  Rather than just regretting stuff, question specifically how it has helped you grow.  Has your past equipped you to be determined, self-reliant, perceptive, tough, aware, compassionate, etc.?  Focus on what you have gained rather than lost from adverse past experiences.

3.  Progress of any kind feels uncomfortable at first.

Nothing starts easy; everything begins at some level of difficulty.  Even waking up in the morning sometimes requires notable effort.  But one beautiful thing about life is the fact that the most difficult challenges are often the most rewarding and satisfying in the long run.

The really tough job interviews that lead to huge career advancements.  The first few awkward words exchanged on first dates that lead to successful relationships.  The excruciating training that leads hopeful Olympians to gold medal placements.  None of these successful outcomes started from a place of comfort and ease.

Far too many people are fearful of the unknown, comfy with putting in the least amount of effort, and not willing to put up with short-term pain for long-term gain.  Don’t be one of them – you know better than that.  You know that growth and progress require discomfort.  Every time you stretch your emotional, intellectual, and physical muscle groups, discomfort arises just before progress is made.

In all walks of life, by committing to continuous, small uncomfortable steps forward, you are able to sidestep the biggest barrier to positive change:  Fear.

Also, remember that growth begins at the end of your comfort zone.  Not only is it important to accept the discomfort of taking steps forward, it is also necessary to let go of comfortable routines and situations from the past.  Holding on to the way things were, prevents you from growing into who you are now, and who you are capable of being.  (Angel and I discuss in more detail in the “Goals and Success” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

4.  The past did not provide your only opportunity for happiness.

Reminiscing about great past times is always a pleasure, so long as reviewing these past times is not used as a way of emphasizing how terrible the present is by contrast.  If you start living in the past to such a great extent that the opportunities in the present are ignored, you have a problem.  For instance, if you don’t even give a potential new partner a chance simply because you “know” they could never live up to your perfect lover from the past… this is a huge warning sign.

Feeling that the past was a golden age of seamless perfection – a time of infinite happiness – is not an accurate assessment of reality.  Comparing this idealized retrospection with the present can lead you to believe the present can never be a happy place, thus preventing you from enjoying the moment and looking forward to the next.

Here are two practices that might be helpful:

• To help you feel better about specific situations in the present, you might close your eyes, relax, and focus on a wonderful past time, and then imagine yourself drifting into the present with all those good feelings from the past.  These things did happen and they are worth celebrating.  This can help you actually use the positive points from the past rather than bemoan their passing.
• Look for any ways that the present might actually be better than the past, however slight.  Even if it’s simply that you have learned from the past and are now in a better place to make future decisions.

The bottom line is that life needs to continue right up until the moment you die.  If at a certain point all you do is look back, you have, in effect, stopped living.  You need to resist the trap of believing the past was so perfect that the present cannot be appreciated at all.  (Read Authentic Happiness.)

5.  Nothing can be expected, and nothing is indefinitely certain.

You need to understand that none of us are playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.  Life always finds its balance.  Don’t expect to get back everything you give.  Don’t expect recognition for every effort you make.  And don’t expect your genius to be instantly recognized or your love to be understood by everyone you encounter.

There are things you don’t want to happen, but have to accept, things you don’t want to know, but have to learn, and people and circumstances you can’t live without but have to let go.  Some things come into your life just to strengthen you, so you can move on without them.

As you live and experience things, you must recognize what belongs and what doesn’t, what works and what doesn’t, and then let things go when you know you should.  Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because not everything is supposed to fit into your life.  So close the door on the past, change the tune, clean your inner space, and get rid of the dust.  Stop being who you once were so you can become who you are today.

It’s time to open the next chapter of your life.

Afterthoughts

Oftentimes letting go has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.  We let go and move on with our lives not because we want the friends, family, and the universe to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.

So stop focusing on the negatives and everything that could go wrong, and start thinking of what could go right.  Better yet, think of everything that already is right.  Be thankful for nights that turned into mornings, friends that turned into family, and past dreams and goals that turned into realities.  And use this mindset of positivity to fuel an even brighter today and tomorrow.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What have you had to let go of, and what did it teach you?  Please share your insights with the community by leaving a comment below.

9 Things to Stop Doing During Hard Times

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

Regardless of what you’re struggling with – a major tragedy or a minor personal battle – it’s time to STOP…

1.  Hiding from the truth.

Most people, at the first sign of distress, would rather deny the hard truth than face it.  But the truth does not cease to exist when it is ignored.  When you try to ignore it, you will find yourself living a lie every day as the truth haunts your thoughts every night.  Don’t do this to yourself.  Face the facts.  You simply can’t get away from your truth by moving dishonestly from one place to the next.

The truth will set you free, but first it may tick you off for a while, and that’s OK.  It’s always better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie.  Because the truth hurts only once and then gradually fades, but a lie hurts just as bad every single time you remember you’re living it.

2.  Gripping tight to the fantasy of a pain-free life.

Pain is a part of life, and life’s pains have many shapes and sizes.

There’s the cold feet pain of moving on ‒ graduating, taking the next step, walking away from the familiar and into the unknown.  There’s the sharp growing pains of trial and error, of failing as you learn the best way forward.  There’s the immense, dizzying pain of life slapping you in the face when everything you thought you knew wasn't true, or everything you had planned for falls through.

There are the more ambiguous aches and pains of success, when you actually get what you had hoped for, but then realize that it’s not quite what you had envisioned.  And then, from time to time, there are the warm, tingling pains you feel when you realize that you are standing in a moment of sweet perfection, a priceless instant of achievement or happiness which you know cannot possibly last, and yet will remain with you forever.

Even though so many folks forget, pain is actually a good thing.  It means you’re breathing, and trying, and interacting with the endless possibilities in this world.  Pain is for the living only; it’s worth fully accepting and dealing with while you still have a chance.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

3.  Revisiting the past over and over in your mind.

Sadly, people all over the world are continuously telling their one dramatic story and how their entire life has turned into getting over this one event from the past.  Now, every day of their lives are more about something that no longer exists, rather than the real life experiences waiting for them in the present.

We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.  You become a prisoner when you cling to what no longer exists.  If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.  It may be hard, but you have to let go.  Cling no more!  Realize that the past is like a foreign country – they do things differently there.  And “they” have nothing to do with YOU RIGHT NOW.

4.  Holding on to who you were before the storm.

Hard times are like strong storms that blow against you.  And it’s not just that these storms hold you back from places you might otherwise go.  They also tear away from you all but the essential parts of your ego that cannot be torn, so that afterward you see yourself as you really are, and not merely as you might like to be.

Ultimately, you realize you are here to endure these storms, to sacrifice your time and risk your heart.  You are here to be bruised by life.  And when it happens that you are hurt, or betrayed, or rejected, let yourself sit quietly with your eyes closed and remember all the good times you had, and all the sweetness you tasted, and everything you learned.  Tell yourself how amazing it was to live, and then open your eyes and live some more.

Because to never struggle would be to never grow.  You must let go of who you were so you can become who you are.  It is within the depths of the strongest and darkest storms that you discover within you an inextinguishable light, and it is this light that illuminates the right path forward.  (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

5.  “Worrying” or “thinking” a situation into something worse than it is.

What worries you masters you.  Needless worry and negative thinking will never lead to positive change.  However, a positive attitude and a little action can change everything.  So if you don’t like something, change it.  If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.  Being hurt is something you can’t stop from happening, but being miserable is always your choice.

No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.  Negative thinking creates negative results.  Positive thinking creates positive results.  Period.  The only limits to the possibilities in your life tomorrow are the “buts” you use today.  Things always turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.

6.  Acting like it’s not OK to smile.

Sometimes a little silliness is all you need to get a better perspective of life’s greatest challenges.  Silliness is the carefree, sometimes crazy, and often misunderstood stepsister of happiness.  May you be a friend to both, and smile your way through life’s twists and turns.

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.  You’ll see why.

7.  Giving in and giving up as soon as the going gets tough.

All things are difficult before they are easy, and the roughest roads often lead to the top.  There are simply no easy roads to anywhere worth going.  Which is why you must endure the discomfort.  Do what is right for your future, not what is easy right now.

You’ll learn, as you grow older, that many of life’s supposed rules are made to be broken.  Even when times are tough, be bold enough to live on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it.  Go against the grain, refuse to conform when it doesn't feel right, take the road less traveled instead of the well-worn path. Laugh in the face of adversity as best as you can, and leap before you look fear too deeply in the eyes.  Dance as though everyone is watching, without giving a care in the world to what they think of you.  March to the beat of your own drummer.  And stubbornly refuse to give up and give in.

8.  Wanting to have all the answers.

Accept the feeling of not knowing exactly where you are going, and train yourself to love and appreciate this sensation of freedom.  Because it is only when you are suspended in the air, with no destination in sight, that you force your wings to open fully so you can fly.  And as you soar around you still may not know where you’re traveling to.  But that’s not what’s important.

What’s important is the opening of your wings.  You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as your wings are spread, the winds will carry you forward.  (Read A New Earth.)

9.  Obsessing yourself with negative news.

For every prominent newscaster who howls about how bleak and unjust life is, there are thousands of other people behind the scenes working tirelessly to make a positive difference in the world.  For every disheartening crisis that is breathlessly reported, there are thousands of real, meaningful success stories that don’t get the attention they deserve, but that have an enormous positive ripple effect on humanity.

Try not to obsess yourself with negative news, especially when you’re in the midst of hard times.  When you’re faced with negative news, learn from it and use this knowledge to work your way eagerly toward a brighter tomorrow.  Today is a choice.  Today, choose grace over impatience, laughter over worry, and beauty over negativity.  Life does get better and better when you choose to make it so.

The floor is yours…

What would you add to the list?  What do you try NOT to do when times are hard and stressful?  Please leave a comment below and let us know:

I added this blog post because I liked the information shared in it... it made me stop and think about everything that is going on in my life and how I handle things.  Here is my take on the above steps listed.

#1: I used to be very good at hiding from truth/pain... this is what started me on the destructive road to alcohol addiction.

#2: Since going through treatment I try to face things head on... I know now that I will never have a pain free life no matter how badly I want it. BUT I am blessed to know that God is there for me no matter what I am going through.

#3... this is my toughest one.. revisiting past failures and hurts... trying to figure out what happened and how I could have avoided the outcomes I have had (like I can change the outcome).

#4: Holding on to who I was before the big storm is not something I struggle with too much anymore. I did... I wanted to be able to keep drinking but I wanted to be able to do it like a 'normal' person.

#5: Yes another tough one...  I am a "worrying thinker"... I tend to worry and think things so much that before I know it its blown way out of proportion. In my mind I make things so much worse than they actually are. I know this... I am working on being better about this and not worrying or thinking too much. I am learning to do some meditation or Bible reading when I get to this point.

#6: I hate to cry but it seems like lately that is all I do... I spent about 9 years of my life (while married) doing nothing but crying. Then when I was on my own after my divorce I 'toughened up'... didn't let myself break down emotionally. Probably one reason I ended up having the problems I did. I am learning to believe that crying can be 'good' and that it really does have healing properties involved in it.

#7:  I have not always been one to just give up... if I want something bad enough I fight for it... sometimes I think that is my downfall... especially in the area of this man I love... he obviously doesn't want me and I try and try and try to reach out to him and get him to change his mind... why???  What on earth is wrong with me?  He doesn't want me so why do I push the issue. Just because I thought I heard God tell me that 'he is the one'... I either heard wrong or the timing is wrong... or God is working something out... still... here I sit almost 4 months after being 'dumped' still holding on.

#8: Yes, I want to have all the answers... and I want them NOW... I am very obsessed with needing to KNOW... hence the struggle with most of the above issues.

#9: Obsessing with negative news... obsessing with any news... I like this last sentence in this paragraph and I plan to apply it to my life... Today, choose grace over impatience, laughter over worry, and beauty over negativity.  Life does get better and better when you choose to make it so.

Make it so!!!  

Just a thought...

Difficult situations, when life just isn't fair...

We all face difficult situations that involve the people we love. In some of these situations the wise course of action may be clear. We may feel a heavy burden to act but have no idea what to do. Sometimes, when I am not sure what to do in certain situations, I talk things over with God, reasoning it out, trying to do whatever I can. Then I try to do as much as I feel confident doing.

There are times when life just treats us unfairly. We may protest the injustice, fall victim to self-pity, give in to a 'poor me' kind of attitude, or sink into depression. During these times when life is unfair, what we really need is serenity. It takes serenity, courage and wisdom to maintain a healthy attitude when life isn't fair. We can't change the fact that our world is imperfect and things are far from the way they should be, but we can choose our attitudes. We need serenity from God to help us change our responses to the injustices of life. We need courage to face the optimism the days when we are treated unfairly. We need wisdom to know whether to fight injustice or to make the best of a bad situation.

I guess this is where self-perception comes in. How we view things that happen in our life. If we have lived in bondage to our compulsive behaviors for a while, we probably see more bad than good inside us. Many of us tend to see life in terms of 'all or nothing'. As a result, we probably think we are all bad. But in recovery we need a balanced view of our self. This will help us to better understand our shortcomings while also giving us greater hope in our potential.  We need to remember the Serenity Prayer.