The Reason for the World by Matthew West (with lyrics)

Love this song... sometimes I just want answers for things... at this time I am facing the fact that I may never get what I long for... its okay... its time to just move on and stop expecting answers. But I do long for home... maybe that is why???

My life is again taking some changes. Much needed... I am somewhat nervous/scared but yet somewhat excited to see what God has in store.

Is this the end? or only the beginning?

The second chance
I never thought I'd get

The question is
Will I do something with it
Or spend my days
Lost in my regret

This is the story of my life
I get to decide
How the rest is gonna read
This is my chance between the lines
To redefine what kind of legacy I leave
This is the story of my life
And it's a story worth telling

Breathe in deep
Feel my heart still breathing
Let's go see the reason I am still alive
Oh, I am here
and love is up to something
So taking my fear
and leave it all behind

This is the story of my life
I get to decide
How the rest is gonna read
This is my chance between the lines
To redefine what kind of legacy I will leave
This is the story of my life
And it's a story worth telling

This is the joy
And it's the pain
And all the pages in between
My finest hour
My weakest moment
It where I have been
It's where I am 
It's where I am going

This is the story of my life
I decide
How the rest is gonna read
This is my chance between the lines
To redefine the kind of legacy I will leave
This is the story of my life
Go tell the story of your life
Cause it's a story worth telling
It's worth telling

Is this the end?
Or only the beginning?

this IS the BEGINNING....... The story of my life!!!

Some of Matthew West's music has had an impact on me this week.... "The Reason of the World"  -  "The Story of Your Life"  -  "Waitin' on a Miracle"  -  "The Healing Has Begun"

strong enough????

Change is most often painful... I feel like I have a lot of change coming... pretty sure its not going to be an easy road.

BUT I am reminded...  I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.... 

it is time to 'clean house' and remove some of the 'clutter'...

I have come to realize I have a very addictive personality... if its not booze it is people or things... I feel like it is time to 'clean house' and remove some of the 'clutter'.  

I did a very selfish and stupid thing the other day... it has had serious repercussions for me. This I will share at a later time it is not for today... but it has opened my eyes to the severity of my addictions and my need to make some more changes... and in all honesty my need for serious help.

Leaving facebook is much needed and way overdue... I have contemplated deactivating my account for a long time... and I have taken breaks which ended up being extremely short and useless. I hope people really believe that this decision was not due to any comments on my posts. It is strictly something I know I need to do for ME... 

On the alcohol addiction front... I am about 3 weeks away from being sober for 2 years. A milestone I never thought I would reach... BUT I find my thinking going to alcohol way too often and entertaining the idea of just one drink... no one needs to know... and all the other thoughts that come with it. I find myself thinking that it is just a matter of time before I go back to my old ways. This is scary & very dangerous thinking. IF there is one thing I learned in treatment it is the fact that when you start thinking 'its only a matter of time before I fail' it WILL BE only a matter of time before I fail. I do not want to fail at this!

I have faced some crap in the past 3 years that I really was not prepared to deal with. I continue to face crap... stuff brought on by my actions/choices and stuff brought on by other peoples actions/choices. There is more to face and deal with. In this 'realization' I have come to terms with something about myself... I am an addict!!!  If its not booze it is going to be something else... and at this point I realize it is a person... a relationship/situation I have not been able to let go of. How does facebook play a part in this situation? Well, I am constantly reminded by different quotes and things that I read that I lost someone I loved very deeply and I find myself rehashing it and trying to figure out 'what happened' and the 'whys' of it all... there are no answers to be found... only the thought that I am not good enough and that there must be something wrong with me... regardless of what the 'truth' is... I am stuck... stuck in a place of pain that I no longer want to be stuck in!!!  

Here are a few things I want you to know about me... I have a fragile heart and it is easily damaged. I am sensitive (way too much most of the time). I am careful who I let in and I am careful to not give too much away... I love deeply and forever... I forgive easily (I know how quickly and easily God forgives me... I have no choice but to react that same way). I want to fix things for people and it is usually way out of my control to do so and this has an affect on me that I can't explain. I am also NOT afraid to share the 'real me' any more!! I am not afraid to admit my failures and shortcomings... I am not afraid to admit I am a sinner and what my sins are... sins brought out of the darkness bring healing and forgiveness.

Hidden sins remain...

FYI:  If you intend to follow me and read my blog I must WARN you.... you will most likely encounter swear words at points of time... I know most people don't understand this but I am telling you now it is part of who I am and I will not apologize for it. When GOD deals with me on this issue I will let you know... I would love to get comments and have some interaction on here... I will try not to get offended and try not to offend.