I don't think pain goes away...

I don’t think pain goes away. I think we make room for it. With time, love forgiveness and healing, it eventually takes up less room. Not until then, are we able to fill up that space with a sense of peace and joy in our heart and soul.

-Brigitte Nicole

I so agree with this quote. I have known pain and I feel like what pain I have experienced I still have to some degree... but eventually other things fill that space and it becomes less and less but I am not convinced it goes away totally.

For example.. 

the loss of a loved one to death... the pain of that loss is there each time you think about that person. Does it get better... yes, because you learn to deal with that feeling of loss... you know they are gone and you know you can't have them back in this life but they are still gone and you still feel that pain. After almost 3 years I still miss my dad horribly and still feel the sting of that loss and still find it hard to believe he is gone. I can't imagine loosing a child... I imagine this is a pain you carry the rest of your life as a parent!!  

the loss of a loved one due to a failed marriage... felt the sting of that one too. It was one that I knew I needed to walk away from. My first love... even with the abusive situation I loved this man. I know he had issues and I know he could not overcome them on his own but I couldn't get him through them either. The help he needed he wouldn't admit to or accept. He has suffered a lot of losses to this issue and as far as I know is still dealing with this. Another failed marriage after ours... that is a pain you must carry always too... knowing you have issues but not having the courage to address them. In my case its a loss of a husband and a loss of my children's father. My kids feel this pain when they see families together and dad's loving on their kids... this is a pain that stings them down deep even though I know they would never say it to me. 

the loss of a loved one because they walked away... for whatever reason. I am sure knowing the reason would cause pain but NOT knowing the reason causes a hurt I can't even explain. Do I blame me? Yes, to some degree I do... Does he have issues?? Undoubtedly!!!  BUT does he feel the sting of that pain as well. I certainly like to think so and I certainly like to think he regrets his choice!!!  

there are a lot of 'what if's'  & 'what could have been' pains in a persons life and when something makes you stop and reflect on them you once again feel the sting of some pain.

there are so many different senerios that could be covered under this subject but I am saying all of this to make this point... pain is a part of life and there is really NO WAY to avoid it. Pain can make us grow and pain can make us see things in a different light. Pain should make us reach to our Lord and Savior if we really believe that He has our best in mind. I am a firm believer that God does not CAUSE our pain!!  God does not take our loved ones away from us... He does not cause anyone to have sickness... and He doesn't cause the pain... pain is a result of sin... pain is a result of others actions in some cases.  

Every choice we make has a result good or bad on someone!!!  We notice the bad more quickly... but do we do what needs to be done as a result of pain?  Do we choose to still love the Lord after feeling pain?  Do we choose to forgive the offender of our pain? Do we get up out of bed and live our life to the fullest after we have a major painful experience?  

What we do in our pain and with our pain is important to healing.... Life goes on in the midst of our most painful experiences!!!  

I feel free...

It has been quite some time since I blogged. I have not spent much of my time thinking about sobriety or alcohol or struggles.... I feel like I have finally succeeded in getting past some of this stuff that kept me bound up in turmoil. I haven't felt the 'urge to drink' in a long time... I haven't felt stressed enough to have those thoughts or maybe my thoughts just don't go there any more.

I finally feel free.... I am finally LIVING!!!

This month will mark 20 months sober. Something I am extremely proud of!!! I feel so much better both physically and mentally.

I took the plunge and completely stopped my depression and anxiety meds. I do NOT recommend this for just anyone... please be careful if you decide to do this!! I was taking 30mg of Lexapro for depression and 15mg of Buspirone for anxiety. Did they help? I think they served their purpose for a time. They helped me cope and get through the hardest part of my recovery... but I found myself feeling like I was in a constant fog... I truly felt like I was looking at my body from the outside... I felt like an outsider in my own skin... I had problems sleeping and concentrating... I felt 'dysfunctional'... I TRULY felt CRAZY!!! There are more things that went along with this... paranoia, mood swings, suicidal thoughts, & physical hunger (that wasn't satisfied).

I believe these meds can be good when a person needs them but for me as I said they served their purpose and it was time to be done with them. I wanted to have a clear mind. I wanted to know that my thoughts were MY thoughts and not altered for one reason or another. I wanted to feel different than I have for the past 30 years. My mind was altered for so long by alcohol that I think the meds were just a different version of that mind altering experience.

I decided to do this on my own... I didn't want to go through my Dr. or my psychologist (at heartview) because I knew what both of them were going to say...  Dr would say "I need information from heartview and we need to talk about this"... psychologist at heartview would say 'You should really continue with them for another year".  NO... this is my decision... I talked to a few people who I trust to give me honest feed back... I told my kids what I planned to do. Made sure they knew so that if something happened to me physically they would know what was going on. I read up on how to come off of them because I know it can cause serious problems and there would be withdrawal.  After reading numerous articles I decided to just taper off... gave myself a couple of weeks of 1/2 doses... then went to every other day for a couple more weeks... then went to skipping days until I felt like I 'needed' a fix.. took about 6 weeks total and I was finally off both of them.

I was so amazed at how much better my body felt even after a few weeks. But after the 6 weeks I was even more amazed how much clearer my mind was.. I felt like the 'fog lifted' and I cried less!! I am not much of a crier anyway but it seemed like I was bawling all the time about something!!  I was also gaining weight and was not happy about it... I know I am NOT fat but I truly don't want to get fat and I know too many people on lexapro that have weight issues. I had lost a lot of weight about 2 yrs ago.... right after treatment and moving to Missouri. I have since gained that weight back and then some.

I feel very healthy right now at this point in my life. I have a clear mind... I think it is pretty 'sound' ;-) I do not feel so CRAZY any more. I have not had stomach issues in over a year. I don't cry quite as easy as I did there for awhile and NO suicidal thoughts!!!

I have dealt with what I would consider a tremendous hurt or heartbreak... far more painful than anything I have experienced before. So what happened??  I still don't really know... he decided he was not ready... and I didn't get a say in the matter!!  I didn't get a warning or an explanation... I still try to reach out to him but it is really in vain.

Last night I had a good talk with the Lord... I have finally accepted that IF it was God then God has to continue the work He started... IF I heard wrong then I pray God shows me this fact and helps me to accept it. OR helps me to see the 'real purpose in it'. 

So... here it is.... this is me totally free of any mind altering substances.  Crazy??  maybe!!!  Is pain really a part of growth? Yes, I believe it is. Sometimes pain makes us look deeper inside and deal with things on a new level. I am okay with being alone... it is a comfortable place and I am satisfied at this point in my life. Would I take a chance on love again??  That my friends has been a tough question to answer... probably yes!! But hopefully I learned to not jump in with both feet!! I keep thinking that maybe this 'relationship' was just to show me that I could fall in love again and could trust someone again. I guess if that is "ALL" this was for then it was worth it.

Why did I share this?  well, I guess there are a few reasons.  #1: I am proud of my sobriety/recovery. I am very close to being clean 2 years! That my friends is a huge accomplishment for me!!!  #2: if there is just one person that reads this and feels encouraged to reach out to someone they let go or to look their depression/anxiety in the face and reach out for medical help then it is worth it.

Depression is such a serious thing and if you are living in that darkness you know there is NO WAY OUT on your own... you need Divine Intervention!!  BUT here is what I have learned... God is not always going to just pluck us out of that darkness... there are things we need to do... things we need to face and things we need take control of.  IF that means going to a medical Dr or a Psychologist for meds than DO IT!! You don't have to stay on meds forever... there are even some GREAT alternatives to meds... I am extremely impressed with my doTERRA oils and what they have done for me in the short time I have been using them... there are options people!! BUT sitting in that darkness is NOT the answer!!  Get out of there!!!! I think it starts by reaching out to someone you trust to say "this is where I am and I don't know how to get out"

Life has so much to offer us... even in the midst of despair... God has a plan!!!