The answer to a long awaited search....

well its been a long time since I posted in my blog been thinking about starting up again.... Life is pretty much the same as where I left off.

Sober 3 years 10 months... excited to hit that four year mark!!! I still find it to be a struggle some days although they are few of those days now... finally!!!  Stress brings on the wanting and entertaining the idea brings on the struggle but I am learning.

I am thinking about revisiting the 12 steps again... Taking a little time to review my previous writings, thoughts & feelings.  The goal? To dig deeper and pluck out some of those roots!

Many many years ago God placed Nehemiah and Jeremiah on my heart.  I was in the Bible book store and a study guide nearly jumped off the shelf into my hands.  I contemplated buying or not buying but the overwhelming feeling that it was the "right" book won and I took it home.  I have a lot of notes I made as I read it but after awhile of not quite understanding it's purpose.... The words I took away from it were determination & rebuilding. But I didn't find alot of real understanding in its pages so I put it away.  Throughout the years God has brought back these 2 amazing men of the Bible. Recently I purchased a book titled Rebuilding the real you by Jack Hartford....who do you think it's about?  If you said Nehemiah & Jeremiah you would be right!!   So now I understand the purpose from all those years ago.... personal restoration.... rebuilding walls and how those walls and gates of the city relate to our spirit and soul.... Breaking away from condemnation....facing tomorrow and all the days to come with joy.... Rebuilding to last... and doing it all while maintaining sobriety.

Thinking that I will study the 12 steps in the aspect of the books of Nehemiah and Jeremiah.  Should be a blog worthy quest!!!!!!

Am I occupying my promise land?

We will never be victors without opponents. If you are not presently occupying your promised land, rest assured the devil is. ~Beth Moore Believing God

I read that quote while studying Believing God by Beth Moore.  It struck a chord with me when I re-read it a couple of days ago in my Sobriety journal. 

Am I occupying my promise land? I don’t even know where my promise land is OR for that matter what it even looks like, so I am pretty certain I am NOT the one occupying it! Maybe this is why I feel like a complete and utter mess? Two and a half years in sobriety and I feel like I am no closer to conquering this underlying infinite thirst. Somewhere I read this: “At the heart of every craving is an unmet need. Rather than thinking of the need as wrong or bad, listen for the motivation behind the craving, meet the root need that’s crying for attention…”

There are times even yet when the desire to drink is so strong. After time of huge stress and feeling unhappy with situations, being lonely, not getting enough rest, not eating right… I have settled for just trying to survive and I have stopped working to stay in recovery… entertaining wrong feelings… wanting things that are not mine to want… I don’t know how to process these feelings so I stuff them and stuff them until there is no place for them to go… I fight it and I fight it but recently it was more than I could handle and I didn’t have any fight left in me… even as I drove to Captain Jacks and even as I purchased the tequila and vodka my mind wasn’t on what I was doing but how it was going to feel and that old craving was right (there is just something about downing that first drink and getting a buzz) but then there is sick… shame… self-loathing… promises to myself and to God… sometimes promises to others… but it ends the same… broken words! 

There are very few people I trust in this time and I try to reach out hoping someone will do something and no one does… I cry out to God… I beg Him to take this away from… I plead for some spiritual awakening that will give me freedom from this and insight into WHY…. 

It never comes… 

There are things in my life that are extremely important to me… first and foremost are my kids… I hated the thought of telling them I have been drinking and hiding it for the past week… I didn’t want to see the disappointment or the worry in their faces. I tried for 2 days to tell them and I didn’t have the words… I hated being back in this place. I knew they would be forgiving and I knew they would be supportive… but I also knew there would be worry. I love the relationship that the 3 of us have. I love my kids!!!  I love my friends and family. I can't always open up to people. I think that is one of the hardest things to do.... to be vulnerable to others and be honest about my deepest feelings. To own up to my mistakes or shortcomings.

Sometimes I think there are lessons to be learned and one thing I know is I get very self-centered and paranoid. These 2 things are horrible feelings to have... makes me believe things that are not even remotely true.  The second thing I know is that this thing is never going completely away… it is and forever will be a part of who I am… now to learn how to ‘deal’ with this idea.  I know God can heal but for some reason I don’t think He is going to just ‘take this thing’ from me. I think if He was going to, it would have happened already? Maybe I am wrong but this is where I am… this is a war I have to fight and this round is just between me, God and my addiction… this is a battle I intend to win and I so very grateful that God never leaves me and He is here to fight with me and to help me face this fact:
“At the heart of every craving is an unmet need. Rather than thinking of the need as wrong or bad, listen for the motivation behind the craving, meet the root need that’s crying for attention…”

SOBER:  The S stands for stop: pause for a moment and consider what you are doing. O means observe: think about what you are sensing, feeling and experiencing, and what events led to the situation. B is for breathe: take a few deep breaths. Then, expand your awareness and remind yourself of what will happen if you keep repeating the unwanted behavior and how you will feel afterward. R stands for respond mindfully: remember that you have a choice, that you are not powerless, and that you don't have to continue the undesired behavior.

NO, I don’t know that I have ever really occupied my promised land but I am about to take it over!

Life goes on...

This time of year is so hard to get through... November - February. My kids give me hope and help me to enjoy it to a degree. Beyond that I just wish we didn't have to even go through them.

3 big things that happened this time of year in my that I am already thinking about...

My dad died on Dec. 23... going to be 3 years!!  So hard to believe.

Jan 1 1997 - I took the kids and left Joe. The FINAL time. Started a whole new life. One of the most painful things I ever did... I truly loved that man but couldn't handle the pain that he brought to us. Every year is a reminder of the loss/failure... but its also a reminder of strength.

Then the relationship I thought was 'the one' started and ended Jan-Feb. Still not completely past this for some reason. It crushes me to think that he is just believing lies of the enemy... I don't know what else to do??  I don't know why my heart still just aches???

BUT life goes on... even through loss... through anxiety... through pain... and we go on the best we can.

I wish I could make people understand the anxiety these months bring to me... I know some don't understand why I want to just stay home... its nothing against anyone... it just works better for me. I don't sit home feeling bad... I sit home feeling comfort. I have always loved to just be at home... this is my comfortable place. I try to go out and I always 'make it' but its not easy. Used to drink to get through that time too and it helped... now that isn't an option ;-).

The 'whys' of drinking...

I drank a good part of 30 years… hard to believe when I came to that realization that it could really be true. 15-45… 30 years.  There were periods of time in between I didn't drink but honestly it was never more than a couple of months at a time… longest periods were during pregnancy but then it wasn't complete abstinence.

I really don’t know why I started drinking at 15. My life was pretty good. Had a good home and a good family. I know my parents loved me. Being 1 or 8 was part of it I suppose. Feeling a little like I didn't really matter. We were often told if I were going to drink we should drink at home. I don’t think this was approval to drink this was just a ‘safety’ precaution? Don’t drink and drive… don’t do stupid shit when you are drinking. Drinking at home was much safer I am sure. Some drinking I did at home but most was hidden.  I always felt like what I did really didn't matter one way or the other. I was just ok... no matter what happened.

I wonder if I had had the education about alcohol that my kids received in family treatment if I still would have chosen the things I did. Coming from an alcoholic family drinking was the last thing I should have done. I did not know my biological father but I do know from stories from numerous family members that he was an alcoholic. I knew my mom drank some when I was really little… not so much after we moved to Missouri. After moving to Missouri with my step dad… my DAD… My parents only drank on occasions… when they did though I have to say from memories they did it up good! I have some fond memories of my lovable dad having heart to hearts with the ‘dogs’ about how much he loved us all…. Memories of mom sick… oh man did she get sick after drinking… I did NOT get her gene… I should have!!

I think about the WHYS… what caused me to start in the first place… I think the fact that it didn't really seem to matter to anyone was the biggest thing but I LOVED it… loved the taste… loved the way it made me feel…. I was hooked from the first time…. After that it was just something I did and as stupid as it sounds it was something I was good at!! I felt inferior in a lot of ways…. I wasn't good at school… finding something you were good at was important…  It always made me feel ‘proud’ in a way when someone would say “I cannot believe how much you can drink and you don’t even seem like you have had that much” or “you are so little how can you drink so much”.

Now after I turned 23 and met Joe and married him… that is when things really changed… the drinking wasn't to be cool anymore or to prove something. Then it became a safety net… Joe was a much nicer man when he was drinking. It never made sense to me but he would mellow out and just be easy going… things didn't piss him off as easy… usually abusive men tend to be worse with booze… maybe if he drank harder stuff it would have been different? I hear whiskey doesn't mellow them out? We still stuck to beer, wine, tequila or vodka… or a little of each of them in one night. I pushed the booze… saved a lot of fighting!!  Without the alcohol there was too much chaos.  So after about 9 years of living like that one learns to depend on it. I think about our biggest fights… the ones where I end up with bruises or stitches… NO alcohol involved but most definitely his ‘little side business’ was the culprit. Some of you know what I am talking about…  this ‘little business’ ended up being the reason I left him and turned him in. There was a short period of time I was open to smoking the marijuana but it was very short lived… did NOT like that stuff at all. His little illegal business made him crazier than he was… I think had we not been so worried about getting caught and so suspicious… maybe we would have made it?  I don’t know… I just wonder. He did time for that ‘little business’ but I moved on without him.

So by this time it was too late for me in the drinking aspect of my life. I wanted to stop but it had such a hold on me. I am pretty sure that any one that KNEW me knew I was a drinker… I am also pretty sure by comments since I went to treatment that people didn’t really KNOW or didn't want to admit I had a problem. I was raising babies on my own… scared to death that something bad was going to happen after turning Joe in and him doing time and me taking his kids away from him… I lived a life of constant fear for my life and for the life of my kids for the next 10 years.

Drinking was still always a part of my life… even when I was broke I managed to get my booze. Something I am NOT proud of… friends and family loaned me money so many times I can’t even count so I could make ends meet but buying booze was always the reason I never had enough to make ends meet. God always provided!!!  People always came through!!  And I still screwed up!!! 

I love to say my kids were always first…. My kids came first…. That was true of everything but the alcohol…  I think I did a pretty good job raising my kids… pretty amazing actually for all they didn't have and for the things they missed out on. No dad and sometimes not much of a mom….

I stayed single all these years… that was one promise I made to God…. I would NOT repeat the relationship thing… I knew enough to know that it was highly in my favor to get right back into the same type of relationship (or worse) and I refused to do that to my kids. I knew too many women in my same position that were constantly moving from one man to another… one relationship to another… one abusive situation to another… I also knew the chances of my kids being abused would increase each time… I was smart enough to know the risks… I avoided them!!

So, in times of loneliness I drank… in times of shame I drank… when I was hurt I drank… pissed - I drank… happy – I drank….  In times of celebration or pain…. I drank. It was my way of coping. I hid in it…. But it just continually got harder and harder to keep it hidden and it just wasn't giving me what I needed any more….

It was good I had someone that I can be totally honest with and be myself with because she knew what to say… she always knows what to say!!  She helped me to realize where I was headed if I didn't stop…. What had been mostly just a mental thing was now becoming physical. I was sick all the time… stomach issues getting increasingly worse… not being able to eat was getting worse. Anxiety and stress were increasing… suicidal thoughts/feelings were increasing.

So now there was treatment… I have to say that was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life!!! Sitting in an evaluation was horrifying… being in withdrawal at the time was just a BONUS of horrifying!!  (Alcohol withdrawal was the worst thing I ever went through physically). Starting treatment was equally horrifying… I think I cried through my whole first night… I cried before going and I cried during and I cried after! The first few times were so intense… there were nights (family nights) that were soooo intense… my family times wasn't horrifying but it was tough to hear some of the things my kids had to say… but after getting into a routine and learning how it worked and having a counselor as awesome as the one I had I was NOT ready to be done at the end of it… it was scary leaving… thinking I wasn't going to make it without group and my counselor.  Well, I didn't make it long… barely 6 months!!  Moving to Missouri right after treatment was the wrong choice… well, maybe not? I learned that I love North Dakota… this IS my home. IF I had not moved to Missouri I would not have ended up with the apartment we have now and I really think I would have stayed in the job I was in which at the time was pretty toxic. Treatment the second time was NOT as scary… and I think I worked a little harder and took it more serious. Paying for 2 rounds of treatment was NOT nice!!  NO insurance…. Treatment is NOT cheap!!!! 

BUT now I am feeling so much better physically... sometimes mentally. Sometimes the mental part is still a struggle. Learning new coping skills has been tough… it’s easy to fall back into ‘old habits’.  It is most definitely a journey of “ONE DAY AT A TIME”. 

I think the things I am most thankful for today is a restored relationship with my kids, new found friendships (I have met and became friends with some amazing women through this journey) and the old friendships that have grown!! 

I am truly blessed!!! 

A little 'drinking' history...

I started drinking when I was 15 yrs old. I did not drink real often just when I could get it… I really liked it.  From my first taste on I always liked it… the taste and the way it made me feel.  From 15-19 I drank a few times a month and usually just beer or wine coolers.  After turning 20 I knew more people I could get booze from so my intake increased a little more too about 6-7 times a month. 

When I turned 21… this is when it all changed!  I worked at Hillcrest Lanes (restaurant & bowling alley) as a cook.  My 21st birthday party was held at the Back Door Lounge… what a party!!  I remember people buying me drinks and me drinking them. My mom kept telling me I was going to get sick… ha ha… I should have told her then that I could drink pretty much anything I wanted to drink and mix pretty much anything I wanted and I felt fine and didn't get sick!!!  I drank a lot that night and from that night on I was pretty much a permanent fixture in that place!! 

From 21-22 I would be there 3-4 nights a week for sure… sometimes more…. Sometimes less…A normal night would include 3-6 beers, a mixed drink here and there and always a few shots… vodka and tequila were always ‘my’ choice.  After 22 though it increased to 4-5 nights a week… by the time I met Joe when I was 23 I was drinking 4-5 nights a week and drinking 5-7 beers, several mixed drinks, 3-4 shots (again tequila). 

My tolerance was increasing… I felt like I could drink A LOT before people could tell I was drunk and I very rarely got sick from it.  Headaches and stomach ache were the normal but rarely threw up.  There were many, many, many nights my folks drove all the way to Lamar to pick me up because I was too drunk to drive… oh yes… there were many nights I was drunk but still felt like I had enough control to drive myself… how scary huh??

When I was 23 I got married and we drank at home. We always had booze in the house. 24-26 yrs we drank at least 5 nights a week.  I rarely went to bed without having some drink. 6-8 beers or a few glasses of wine… shots of tequila was a pretty normal night… sometimes just beer…. Sometimes just wine… but almost always a shot or two to make me feel good.

The only time I didn't drink heavily was the time frame I had kids… I was drinking when I found out I was pregnant but cut way back during the pregnancies… not completely stopped… would have one now and then… usually just a little glass of wine… no shots..

When I was 30 I left Joe… this was in 1997… this was the last and final break. Moved to ND. Lived with Renee for about 6 months.  Did not drink during this time but after moving into our own apartment I started drinking again. In that first year I tried to pace myself… it was hard to buy it because I didn't always have enough money. BUT I always managed to get it when I wanted it. I would say in that next year I was right back to drinking the amounts I was drinking when I stopped at age 26. There was always a steady increase in tolerance so a little more booze was needed to reach the same affect I wanted. I would go through times where I tried to stop… I would cut back and allow myself only a certain amount but that didn't work… before long I would be right back where I left off and then more. By the time I was 39 I was drinking at least 5-6 nights a week 6-8 beers, couple glasses of wine, shots of tequila. Tolerance was very high… and my ability to mix drinks was still in full force. I knew I was in trouble when I started drinking the tequila by the bottle…  My drinking increased heavily after my dad died in Dec 2011. Now we are talking feeling sick… throwing up… passing out… not remembering.

With the help of my trusted friend, Linda pushing me to seek help… I called Heartview and got an appointment with Brenda for an evaluation.  I was going through withdrawals when I was doing my evaluation (withdrawal is by far worse than any drunken state I had been in). I started intensive outpatient treatment in May 2012. Went through treatment 3 months/3 nights a week/3 hrs a night. Finished treatment in July 2012 and moved to Missouri the end of July.  Kept my job here in ND (worked remotely) and flew back once in a while to work. Started drinking again in Sept. while working in ND.  First night was just a couple of beers and the next I don’t even remember what I drank, where we went or how I got back to my bed at Elaine’s… I do however remember feeling worthless… feeling like a failure and knowing that this was not going to be an easy road.  I started sneaking beer here and there so the kids wouldn't see me drinking. I knew this was not going to change but only get worse so I moved BACK to ND and planned to start treatment at Heartview a second time.

The last night I drank (Nov 11 or 12, 2012) I do not remember much of that night at all… I drank at home… in my bedroom… in hiding… I had a 1.75 of Tequila Silver…. This was a Sunday night… started drinking on Sat. night… had just a few shots. Was hiding it of course because I didn't want the kids to know.  Finished the bottle off on Sunday night…. I remember calling and talking to Linda but I really don’t remember much after that.  I woke up Monday morning… this is what I saw… phone on my bed (that was unusual… the base was on my night stand and I always hang it up) open (empty bottle of tequila on my bathroom sink, open bottle of sleeping pills (pills still in them) on my bed….

 

I made a phone call to Linda that night… guessing after I polished off the bottle… I don’t remember it but the next day she told me I had told her I couldn't do this anymore… somewhere in the conversation I hung up one her… NOT something I would normally do… not sure why but she says I did… I know from what I saw when I woke up that I was in a desperate place… the pills were still in the bottle so I know I didn't take any (or maybe not too many) but the idea that I planned to was enough for me… I remember feeling worthless… like I failed again… and so tired of feeling this way. There have been several times in my life I wanted it to just STOP!!  I wanted the pain to just STOP…. I wanted the heartache to just STOP!!! I don’t WANT to die but I want things to JUST STOP!!  I passed out that night and I cannot remember most of what happened… to me this was the final blow…. This was the confirming idea that I was out of control and if I continued this way my life was going to end up in a real mess or my kids were going to end up without their mother. If I didn't change I knew I was going to die.

2^nd treatment was the same… intensive outpatient 3 months/3 nights a wk/3 hrs a night. I actually ended up doing 4 months I think… wasn't ready to leave treatment… went into aftercare treatment for 5 months.  Visited treatment off and on when I felt like I needed it. I am so thankful for Brenda… my counselor all 3 groups…. My friend now!!  I met a lot of people that I came to admire in treatment… one of those is Roberta… from first group… still friends and what an amazing and encouraging woman she is!!!

I have to say through ALL of this one question I have been asked by far the most is this: 

“Was it really that bad?” 

My question is “HOW BAD DOES IT HAVE TO BE FOR ONE TO SEEK TREATMENT?” 

            

If you drink and you drink often and you drink a lot my guess is there is an issue that you need to look at.  Alcoholics don’t always fit the ‘norm’ or what people ‘expect’ of them….

for example.

I would guess that the vast majority of the time I drank most people would not even be able to tell I had been drinking or that I was drunk. I held down a job almost the entire time I was drinking… rarely missed work due to alcohol… had NO legal trouble because of it… never had DUI though I am ashamed to say I should have several times!!  I maintained a home for my kids…. Not perfect but they were taken care of… their needs were met. With the exception of the Back Door Lounge I hardly ever went out to drink.  Did drink with meals when I would go out for supper if it was available. 

There are a lot of reasons I felt shame… mostly because I felt like it was out of my control… once I started there was no stopping. I even was to the point where I would drink before going to work… just a little to get my day going… there were several times I drank before going to church!!  How sick is that???  I would have a drink before going to any family gatherings or events. IF I was around people who I knew liked to drink and approved of me drinking I was in my glory… how sick is that??

 

Was it REALLY that bad??? How bad do you have to be???? 

If you drink and there is a history of alcoholism in your families you are at risk…. If you drink and your tolerance is increasing and you can’t control your intake you have a problem!!  If people would realize that it doesn't take much to be ‘that bad’. 

When I look back NOW here is what I see…. I was always sick… I had stomach issues for as long as I can remember. Pretty sure most of it was due to drinking… some of it is due to anxiety/stress but mostly due to the booze. Since I have been clean for 2 yrs now I do not have the same stomach problems.  Stress/anxiety bring on stomach aches but it’s not quite the same.  I am healthier now… gained weight… I can actually eat almost like normal… I am happier (less stress/anxiety)… my relationship with my kids is so much better.  They are my rocks… they keep me going… they are my greatest encouragers!!!  There are still things I need to work on and address… I am far from being where I need to be!!

I still struggle with heartache and pain… not always handled in good ways… no booze but other bad habits crop up. It’s a work in progress…. It’s ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Will share more of the 'feelings/thoughts' behind the drinking at a later time.

Moving forward...

Sitting and thinking... sometimes not so good but in this case its a good thing. I have been reading the book "Crash the Chatterbox - hearing God's voice above all others" by Steven Furtick. Also, started watching his sermons that go with the study. I am caught up in this... its like I finally have an answer and the tools I need to overcome this constant barrage of chatter in my head. I felt like there is something wrong with me... this constant noise and voices I hear drive me crazy. I feel like it has kept me in turmoil. BUT now i know how to stop the chatter... how to drown out the noise and replace it with the promises of God and the voice of God. 

I started counseling and started going to a group on Sunday nights called Celebrate Recovery. Tonight will be my second meeting. I am hoping to get a little more of a 'feel' for this group tonight. First night was there one year anniversary so the outline of the meeting was different than they normally have. Also, attending a different group Monday nights but really not in the position to say much as tomorrow will be my first meeting. 

I am also learning to exercise my right to say "NO" when I feel like NO is the right thing to say. In regards to work I exercised saying NO.... it felt good... I rarely do that. I say yes to keep people happy while I am miserable because I want to say no and fail to follow my heart... setting boundaries... learning that my best YES and my best NO are important to my healing.

Moving forward and learning more....

If you hear the chatter and if you struggle with and believe the chatterbox then I highly recommend reading this book and watching the 6 part series on the Crash the Chatterbox Study.

The Reason for the World by Matthew West (with lyrics)

Love this song... sometimes I just want answers for things... at this time I am facing the fact that I may never get what I long for... its okay... its time to just move on and stop expecting answers. But I do long for home... maybe that is why???

My life is again taking some changes. Much needed... I am somewhat nervous/scared but yet somewhat excited to see what God has in store.