Am I occupying my promise land?

We will never be victors without opponents. If you are not presently occupying your promised land, rest assured the devil is. ~Beth Moore Believing God

I read that quote while studying Believing God by Beth Moore.  It struck a chord with me when I re-read it a couple of days ago in my Sobriety journal. 

Am I occupying my promise land? I don’t even know where my promise land is OR for that matter what it even looks like, so I am pretty certain I am NOT the one occupying it! Maybe this is why I feel like a complete and utter mess? Two and a half years in sobriety and I feel like I am no closer to conquering this underlying infinite thirst. Somewhere I read this: “At the heart of every craving is an unmet need. Rather than thinking of the need as wrong or bad, listen for the motivation behind the craving, meet the root need that’s crying for attention…”

There are times even yet when the desire to drink is so strong. After time of huge stress and feeling unhappy with situations, being lonely, not getting enough rest, not eating right… I have settled for just trying to survive and I have stopped working to stay in recovery… entertaining wrong feelings… wanting things that are not mine to want… I don’t know how to process these feelings so I stuff them and stuff them until there is no place for them to go… I fight it and I fight it but recently it was more than I could handle and I didn’t have any fight left in me… even as I drove to Captain Jacks and even as I purchased the tequila and vodka my mind wasn’t on what I was doing but how it was going to feel and that old craving was right (there is just something about downing that first drink and getting a buzz) but then there is sick… shame… self-loathing… promises to myself and to God… sometimes promises to others… but it ends the same… broken words! 

There are very few people I trust in this time and I try to reach out hoping someone will do something and no one does… I cry out to God… I beg Him to take this away from… I plead for some spiritual awakening that will give me freedom from this and insight into WHY…. 

It never comes… 

There are things in my life that are extremely important to me… first and foremost are my kids… I hated the thought of telling them I have been drinking and hiding it for the past week… I didn’t want to see the disappointment or the worry in their faces. I tried for 2 days to tell them and I didn’t have the words… I hated being back in this place. I knew they would be forgiving and I knew they would be supportive… but I also knew there would be worry. I love the relationship that the 3 of us have. I love my kids!!!  I love my friends and family. I can't always open up to people. I think that is one of the hardest things to do.... to be vulnerable to others and be honest about my deepest feelings. To own up to my mistakes or shortcomings.

Sometimes I think there are lessons to be learned and one thing I know is I get very self-centered and paranoid. These 2 things are horrible feelings to have... makes me believe things that are not even remotely true.  The second thing I know is that this thing is never going completely away… it is and forever will be a part of who I am… now to learn how to ‘deal’ with this idea.  I know God can heal but for some reason I don’t think He is going to just ‘take this thing’ from me. I think if He was going to, it would have happened already? Maybe I am wrong but this is where I am… this is a war I have to fight and this round is just between me, God and my addiction… this is a battle I intend to win and I so very grateful that God never leaves me and He is here to fight with me and to help me face this fact:
“At the heart of every craving is an unmet need. Rather than thinking of the need as wrong or bad, listen for the motivation behind the craving, meet the root need that’s crying for attention…”

SOBER:  The S stands for stop: pause for a moment and consider what you are doing. O means observe: think about what you are sensing, feeling and experiencing, and what events led to the situation. B is for breathe: take a few deep breaths. Then, expand your awareness and remind yourself of what will happen if you keep repeating the unwanted behavior and how you will feel afterward. R stands for respond mindfully: remember that you have a choice, that you are not powerless, and that you don't have to continue the undesired behavior.

NO, I don’t know that I have ever really occupied my promised land but I am about to take it over!